Funny story of the day

TedEbear · January 26, 2014, 07:49:47 PM

What a great country, can't get much better than this.
The gene pool needs adjustment for sure, the jury gene pool..........

STELLA AWARDS:
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. Here are the Stellas for year --2013:

* SEVENTH PLACE * Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE * Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE * Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more... Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE * Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE * Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE* Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE * This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

pondee · January 27, 2014, 05:00:34 AM

It aint the Court system that is out of control, it is the american public sitting on juries and transfering wealth from corporations/insurance companies to individuals. At least we see the humor in it.

beefmann · January 27, 2014, 06:18:18 AM

lol, people sue and collect for there own mistakes, We allow this to happin

ratherbboating · January 28, 2014, 10:37:25 AM

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers
have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em,
Hug'em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Quarlow · January 28, 2014, 04:07:10 PM

That is frickin' hilarious. LOL

ragweed · January 29, 2014, 10:53:01 AM

I love the last one! ;D ;D

Southern cops have a way with words. These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
>
> 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> AND THE WINNER IS....
> 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Now sign here."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GusRobin · January 29, 2014, 06:50:30 PM

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir?'
'We have: Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...'

'...Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a cute little key chain made with Ken's testicles.'

Quarlow · January 29, 2014, 07:58:21 PM

Hahaha :o

ragweed · January 31, 2014, 01:13:20 PM

I didn't see this one coming!

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name? "It's Jack, and I'm okay thanks," I replied. "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on." Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive...I was weak. "Well, okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

ratherbboating · February 10, 2014, 02:39:02 PM

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad &
my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

ratherbboating · February 10, 2014, 02:40:11 PM

One more for today.

It's all about service

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Pay TV 'Service'

State & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

Bureaucratic 'Service'

The Internal Revenue 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

barbquebec · February 11, 2014, 08:22:22 AM

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too." :o 8)

rdevous · February 18, 2014, 06:50:10 AM

3 Holy Men and A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Ray

barbquebec · February 18, 2014, 06:28:05 PM

...a tad long but worth it...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Some celebrated answers.

STEPHEN HARPER: Let me be perfectly clear. I did not know about the chicken, I did not know about the road. If I would have been made aware of them I would certainly have taken appropriate action and prevented the chicken from crossing the road. The culprits responsible for the chicken crossing the road are being investigated by the RCMP.

THOMAS MULCAIR: If the Prime Minister didn't know about the chicken and he didn't know about the road, how did he know that the chicken had any intention of crossing the road?

JUSTIN TRUDEAU: The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.

ROB FORD: That video of me snorting that chicken does not exist and I've only crossed that road in a drunken stupor.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? 8)

ratherbboating · February 22, 2014, 01:27:18 PM

TOUCHING STORY

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

Funny story of the day

beefmann

barbquebec

barbquebec