Funny story of the day

[ratherbboating]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[rdevous]

 
Fortune Teller
 
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know...

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
   
 
Ray
 
 

[Caneyscud]

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
7. Teaching Math In 2010
Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth to its rightful owners.

[rdevous]

 
The Passenger

A man from Kuala Lumpur tells his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for the weekend.
He informs her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 (the missing plane).
Now ... He's been stuck for weeks in his girlfriend's house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home...

[GusRobin]

My wife was watching a cooking program the other day. I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

[Salmonsmoker]

Some chuckles to start your day,

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."


***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of you."


***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her b**bs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to
lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you
really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."

[Quarlow]

Hahaha those are rich.

[Caneyscud]

A woman brought a very limp mallard duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet mallard on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's ...chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your mallard has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black lab retriever . As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the lab on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[rdevous]

 
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX
 
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville .. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville TX.
 
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:
   
Thank you for your letter....You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
   
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system, before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position, on the side of Hwy 77 south of Kingsville ...
   
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
   
Semper Fi
   
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

   
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
   
 
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees....
 
She then asked if she could help me.
 
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
 
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
 
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.
 
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister"..
 
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
 
...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses"
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 .. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2.. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3.. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5.. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by Pissing and Moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Saber 4]

Love it, gonna steal it from you.

[rdevous]

   
For all my Western Forum Family.................
 
Cowboy rules for:  Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma ,   Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Utah,  Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: 

1. Pull your pants up.  You look like an idiot! 
 
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked! 
 
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.'  I drive a pickup truck because I want to.  No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus.  Drive it or get out of the way.   
 
4. They are cattle.  That's why they smell like cattle.  They smell like money to us.  Get over it.  Don't like it?  I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south.  Pick one and go.   
 
5. So you have a $60,000 car.  We're impressed.  We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.   
 
6. Every person in the Wild West waves.  It's called being friendly.  Try to understand the concept.   
 
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand.  You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.   
 
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk.  You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at the corner bait shop.   
 
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season.  It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.   
 
10. We open doors for women.  That's applied to all women, regardless of age..   
 
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.  Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.   
 
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:  meats, vegetables, and breads.  We use three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup!  Oh, yeah...We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!   
 
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be sweet, brown, wet and served over ice.  You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
 
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.   
 
15. Yeah, we have golf courses.  But don't hit into the water hazards...it spooks the fish.   
 
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo!  That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway.  We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!  Refer back to #1! 
 
And there is more...The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline...OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use...The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!  That would be 15 million less people using our gas.  The price of gas would come down!
 
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders...When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan...Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military...Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country...He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves...If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,without  the canteen, rifle or ammo.
 
Problem solved!!!
   
God Bless the USA
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Salmonsmoker]

Love it, Ray!!!!!

[Quarlow]

Yeah we need the same sort of policy up here too Ray.