Funny story of the day

[KyNola]

Let's do our best to keep in mind that not all of our members may share the same political or religious views and that we have members who come from many different countries.

Not trying to rain on anyone's parade.  Just trying to keep the waters calm.

Thanks for your consideration.

[JerkyAddict]

But every member knows how to smile, so accept it. Every joke can haves names, religions, nationalities and others substituted to make it funny to them. I say go for it

[KyNola]

The problem is not every one of the 14,435 members of this Forum are as open minded as apparently you are Ken. 

My previous request stands.  If you disagree with it feel free to take it up with Brian at the Bradley Office.

[Tenpoint5]

This little ditty covers most of us! Except Kynola he's still skinny as heck! (BTW) I was following NEPAS around while he was a singing this song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE

[iceman]

Good one Chris  ;D

[Wildcat]

Good one Chris  ;D

Ditto.

[rdevous]

 
Last Wishes



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 
He  asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the  Mayfair houses."" 
 
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""
 
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse  and witnesses are  blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". 
 
Sarah replies, "Property? .... the asshole had a paper route!"
 
 
Ray
 
 

[ratherbboating]

 Lotto Winner 

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take half and leave you,"  she says.

"Great," he says.

"Here's $6.  I won $12 yesterday!
  Stay in touch".

[rdevous]

 
SEX AFTER DEATH
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
 
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.  True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
 
"Is that you, Frank?"
 
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
 
"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
 
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
 
"Oh, Frank!  Are you in Heaven?"
 
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
 
 
Ray
 
 

[rdevous]

 
GRANDMA'S THANKSGIVING RULES FOR THIS YEAR...
 
Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.  If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
 
Dinner is at 2:00PM!
NOT 2:15PM!
NOT 2:05PM!
Two 2:00PM!
   
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
 
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
 
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce!
 
Now, the house rules are slightly different.  This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things.  Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
 
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.  The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.  Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty.  All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
 
3.Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey.   You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you.  Buy something from the bakery.
 
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.  That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home.  At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
 
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease.  That's nothing new.  Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.  That's why it tastes so good.  Not eating bacon is just not natural.  And as far as being healthy...look at me.  I've outlived almost everyone I know.
 
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
 
7. I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car.
 
8. I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
 
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids.  I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
 
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.  I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too.  I can live with that.  Can you?
 
11. Words mean things.  I say what I mean.  Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything.  And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
 
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids!
 
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.  Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
 
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway.  But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.  I really mean all of the above!
 
Love You,
Grandma.
 
 

[ratherbboating]

I like your number 10.  I have problems with people bringing their dogs over with them.  "One more dog" or "he minds good" doesn't cut it.  I have BIG livestock guardians and they will eat your little yapper.

[OldHickory]

Grandma got it right.  My ranch, my dogs and they are protective, other dogs should beware or better stay home.  Number 7 is good.  Include ipad's.  I  have been known to throw a towel over the ipad to finally get one of the kids attention.  Hope your Thanksgiving was good.

[iceman]

#7!!!
We HAD a friend stop by yesterday. She was on the cell phone when she came through the door and was still on the dang thing when I booted her out the door!  >:(
Then she had the nerve to call Ann later that day and ask why I was so pissed off at her.  ::)

[TedEbear]

For a few laughs go to Amazon and read through some of the customer reviews of this $120,000.00 Samsung 105-inch TV.  Hilarious.   The Answered Questions section is pretty good, too.   ;D

Samsung UN105S9 Curved 105-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED TV

[TedEbear]

I'm sure my petrol cap was on this side