Funny story of the day

[LilSmoker]

We have B & Q over here instead of Home Depot,.....................I wonder?

Went up to our local B+Q six times today.... no sign of them!!  ;) :D

;D ;D ;D Same here Manx, i won't give up trying though!  ;D :D ;)

[car54]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! . We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? . They're going to STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! . Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

[LilSmoker]

That's good!  ;)

[Wildcat]

The Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85
years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars"

[Wildcat]

      A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage.

       When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in
the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: -
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.

       Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a
week.  Can you do this?"

       The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off  here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

[West Coast Kansan]

http://www.blip.tv/file/340692/

[Gizmo]

Suspect Mac will be picking that one up in their commercials.

[manxman]

 

Subject: Lone Ranger



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
first request?'


The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.


Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is
your last request?'.

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says: 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead,
for the last time...........


"BRING POSSE!!!!'"

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D Gotta get me a horse like that

[LilSmoker]

@ Wildcat & Manx...........

[aces-n-eights]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[manxman]

Good one ace ......  :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 

I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out  of the car . . . and you know how you just get so stressed that life-stuff seems to get funny? 

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! 

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"   

So, I look down at him and say............................

"Well, which one are you then?"   ........... and that's how the fight started .....

-----------------------------------------------------------

LARRY

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't  show up.

Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Larry!

Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
So,  the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

-----------------------------------------------

TALKING PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that I adopted from the Humane Society, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  "You know," I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.   Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.  My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship.  Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.  After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'  'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'