Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

 :D :D :D Wait a minute - I am over 50!  :P

[manxman]

I am over 50!

Haha........ I've only got three years left myself!!  :-[ ;)

[LilSmoker]

 ;D ;D ;D

Cowboys:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said.............................. 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!'

[iceman]

Cute one LS  :D

[Wildcat]

 :D ;D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

Subject: Fw: Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night'.

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D  Good one Manxman!  Here is another:

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.   

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Th ings for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Ceasarian Section."
A: The Ceasarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[3rensho]

Two great ones  ;D ;D ;D Manx, I think I pulled something I was laughing so hard.  Too funny

Tom

[LilSmoker]

Good ones guys!

[car54]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the
UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year
old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the
Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Wisconsin newspaper reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Eau
Claire, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Norwegians were already using wireless."

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D I think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.

[manxman]

I think Ole has a bright future in either law or politics.

We have several politicians like that round here!  :D

[car54]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Tiny Tim]

If girlfriend 7.0 turns into a 1.0 upon becoming a wife, I think I'll wait for a version 10.0 and not upgrade until complete meltdown and crash is imminent.