Funny story of the day

[winemakers]

how do you spell oooouuuggghhhhh?

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

Manx, if you or I ever pulled that they would be reading about us in the obits.!!!

How very true Ice!!  ;) :D

[Wildcat]

Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....


Deer Senta,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy



Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is  peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy



Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his arse constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 3 , a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy



Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do yo u get into our home?

Love, Marky


Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your arse whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa

[huhwhatliar]

 ;D ;D ;D

[hillbillysmoker]

White Trash Christmas (PG)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7395351410396042718

[West Coast Kansan]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive . I then said that Osama Bin Ladin
dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well , so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Wildcat]

 :D ;D :D

[aces-n-eights]

I am so stealing that one, Kansan!  Good one!   ;D :D ;D

[LilSmoker]

I don't know Jack! do you?

I've seen this many times, but it always makes me laugh  ;D

http://www.kls2.com/~karl/random/KnowJackSchitt.swf

[manxman]

While in China , an American bloke is very sexually promiscuous and  does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home  in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with  purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad  news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and  almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your p*nis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Vely rare disease."

The bloke says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my  p*nis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.  Make more money that way.  No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

" Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!  Wait two months.  Faw off by itself .

                                         

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D :D

[3rensho]

A man wakes  in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The Doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now,
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we have been unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on. "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a
new willy that will work as well as your old one did- better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But
it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a
bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
important that she play a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor,

"Were getting a new kitchen,"

[Wildcat]

Very good.  ;D ;D :D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "c*cktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implant s
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky b*obs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.