Funny story of the day

[manxman]

and another parrot joke:

A parrot whose name is Leroy had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and  laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude  by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything  else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary



.Finally, John  was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.



The parrot yelled back.



John  shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.John, in  desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the  freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then  suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the  freezer.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and  said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and  actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and  I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in  his behavior, the bird continued,





"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Wildcat]

 :D :D :D

[acords]

Drinking problem? I think not

[3rensho]

Pretty impressive.  Like to see a video after the next 5 glasses.

[Wildcat]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS

YOUR  OWN AGE AND  THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK

THAT OLD."    WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



*****************************



MY NAME IS  ALICE MILLER AND I WAS SITTING IN THE

WAITING ROOM FOR MY  FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH  A

NEW DENTIST.  I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE

HIS FULL NAME. 



SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,

DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH  THE SAME  NAME HAD BEEN IN

MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40 ODD YEARS AGO.



COULD HE BE THE  SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH

ON, WAY BACK THEN?



UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY

SUCH  THOUGHT.   THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH

THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY  TOO OLD TO  HAVE BEEN

MY CLASSMATE.



AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD

ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SCHOOL. 



"YES.  YES, I  DID. I'M A  MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.



"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.



HE ANSWERED, "IN 1967."    "WHY DO YOU ASK?"



"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I  EXCLAIMED.



HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,  BALD,

WRINKLED, FAT ARSE, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SOB

ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[icerat4]

GOLFING



Today, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that 0."

[iceman]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked
straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kind of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

[Smoking Duck]

 ;D ;D ;D

[LilSmoker]

[coyote]

Great stories !!!!!!!New material for the new year has arrived ! Thanks  ;)

Coyote

[Smoking Duck]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers"
 
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
 
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
 
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Smoking Duck]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
" Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."
"Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."


The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.

"Your name came up seven times..."

[bigredsmoker]

A fellow went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself
and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked and
reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he
could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could
get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a
short cruise, but booked it...and went to the drug store to buy Dramamines
and three condoms.

The next day the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five
day cruise, the guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and returned to the same pharmacy
to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that
he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went
back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry...
but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[manxman]

Good ones.  :D :D :D