Funny story of the day

[manxman]

Not so much a funny story as a few funny anecdotes..... unless you are afraid of flying!!

Subject: FW: Qantas - how to fly by the seat of your pants

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in c0ckpit.

S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in c0ckpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

So next time you take a flight think of this!!  ;) :D

[Wildcat]

[manxman]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to
him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her so...he
says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

>

>

>

>

>



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[coyote]

That is halarious ! :D :D :D I can't wait to tell it to someone. Thanks Manxman 8)

Coyote

[West Coast Kansan]

 :D  :D  :D Whewww  :D

[Wildcat]

  Nice one.  Wife liked it as well - being a math teacher and all.

[LilSmoker]

That's a goodun Manx!

[Gizmo]

Cajun,
Thought you'd get a kick out of this one and maybe NePa can use it on his next job interview.


Cajun Math Test......  my kind of test!  :-)

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.


"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."


The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree.  Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.  So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which
makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

[coyote]

 :D ;D Great story Gizmo............I get great material here. ;D

[West Coast Kansan]

Station have an internet broadcast link ?

[coyote]

We did but new regulations called for double writer royalties. Just like having two stations. So that killed
the internet broadcast. :(
                                                   Coyote

[icerat4]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later,"
Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."A few more moments, "The Coopers are having SX !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed !

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having SX ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, TOO."

[Mr Walleye]

Subject: Baseball in Heaven


Two 90  year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When  it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every  day. One day
Moe  says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives,  and we played
minor  league ball together for so many years. Please do  me one favor,
when  you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if  there's
baseball  there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death  bed," Moe, you've been  my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do  this  favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes  on.

At  midnight a  couple of nights later,  Moe is awakened from a sound
sleep by a  blinding flash of white light and a voice  calling out to him,

"  Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up  suddenly. "Who is  it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just  died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"  insists the  voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I  have  some really good news and a little
bad news."

"Tell me  the good news first," says  Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is  that  there's baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies  who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always spring
time and it never rains or snows. And best  of all, we can play baseball
all we want, and we never get  tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's  beyond my wildest  dreams!"

"So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching  Tuesday."

[icerat4]

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get
ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , youplay, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[fatandhappy]

funny story.  works great untill you hit the check point.