Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

 ;D

[manxman]

Lesson to be learnt here particularly those who spend a good deal of time in shorts!!

Story in a local paper:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Liverpool Echo comes this story of a Merseyside couple who drove their car to the local supermarket, only to have the car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and was surprised to find herself herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by..... also in shorts but with his manhood firmly under cover.

The motor mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and broke his nose due to involuntarily head butting the underside of the car on having his "tackle" grabbed..

[iceman]

Yes indeed Manx! One should always make sure you are grabbing the lures from the tackle box that belongs to you and not someone else!   

[Wildcat]

Good one!

[LilSmoker]

That is funny Manx

[icerat4]

Gotta Love Old Men
>>>>> >>
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>>>>> >>
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in
your life?"
>>>>> >>
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son ??."

[coyote]

.....A young man was sitting next to an elderly lady at the city park tennis courts , between games. He noticed
the lady was really giving him a going over , looking him up and down and making him quite nervous.
Finally she said to him , "young man , excuse me for being rude but what in the world is that big bulge
in your pants" ?.He replied "tennis balls"."... Oh my" :o she exclaimed , "you poor dear , I had tennis elbow
once............but that has to hurt like hell" !!!!!!!!!!! ;)

[LilSmoker]

Yeah i like it!

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D

[headgames]

Did I ever tell you guys how much I hate long lengthy ready jokes ? well sorry but some just need to be told .... bear with it I am sure you will enjoy
Mrs. Smith

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the batht ub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.
You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
moth er was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."


"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."  ;D




Mrs. Smith fainted

[icerat4]

A 2006 study by Texas A&M University  found that the average American
> walks about 900 miles per year.
>  >
> Another study by the American Beer Institute found that  Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer each year.
> >
> That means, on average, Americans get  approximately 41 miles per gallon.
>
> Not bad!     ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Ran across this one recently.  You need to be sober when you read it, lol.  The subject was BAR STOOL ECONOMICS

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.  The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.  "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men - the paying customers?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.  So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free.  But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.  "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.  "We didn't get anything at all.  The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.  They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.  The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R.  Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics University of Georgia                                                                  For those who understand, no explanation is needed.  For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

[Cajun]

The Facelift:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was."

"What is it?" she asks.

He replies, "It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay, that's enough already. How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

" That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[LilSmoker]

well guys for those.......

[West Coast Kansan]

Wildcat, that is probably the best description of our tax plan that I have ever read.   :D  Well stated story.  ;D