Funny story of the day

[coyote]

 :D :D I love this place. :D :D

[icerat4]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder".

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid  the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

(Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans....)

[icerat4]

Alice and Frank were Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business
in Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they need: a  tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc..

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such
a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank
notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't
able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time,
she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and
is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and
says, "What happened?  Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd!....What the f*ck is a piñata?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Wildcat]

Nice one!

[coyote]

 :o :D :D I love this place..............I'm using that Ratman.............very  8) and so damn funny !!!!



Coyote

[sueblazer03]

 Great subject. I work in the auto industry and we found out yesterday our plant will be closing in 2 1/2 years. (and only a few lucky people will be be around when that happens.) So I printed a few of the jokes and passed them around most people needed a few laughs. Thanks.


Sue

[icerat4]

Be Very Quiet........

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back
to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough
when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak
started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat
them here or take them with us?'

"Well, I guess I just panicked.

[icerat4]

TOMMOROW IS MONDAY NOW THATS NOT FUNNY  :'( :'(

[icerat4]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little
old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a
little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico
with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand
sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile........
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing.........


"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

[icerat4]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!!!!

[icerat4]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

> Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread &
> beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
>
> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
> cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
>
> One of the hillbillies looks at her and yells, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
> shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue &
> shakes her head no.
>
> The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
> yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
> his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
> obstruction flies out of her mouth.
>
> As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
> but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[Cajun]

Ed was in trouble.   :-[

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 160 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box, gift wrapped, in the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened it.

In it she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed are scheduled for Friday   :(

[icerat4]

Nice one ;D ;D

[icerat4]

Will I Live To Be 80?


I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for
my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a crap."

[coyote]

It's like very cool bedtime stories 8)............................Now where's my bottle ???.... ;D