Funny story of the day

[classicrockgriller]

CRG might enjoy this one more than others..

That was great......Thanks

[Mr Walleye]

[rdevous]

 
The Difference between Grandfathers and Grandmothers!

A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

Just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like getting up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Grandfather' the girl replied, 'And do you know what? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, dickhead, wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!


Ray

[classicrockgriller]

Mike and Ray that was two good ones. My grandpa use to call ppl he didn't like
:sons of them bitches" and when my dad couldn't think of someones name he would say
"Oh, you know who I am talking about, ole dingle dick"   CRG

[3rensho]

'Oh yes, Grandfather' the girl replied, 'And do you know what? We didn't see a single ...

Hmmmm, my wife says exactly the same thing about my commentary when she comes along for a ride  ;D ;D  LMAO

Tom

[classicrockgriller]

Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar
next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day
for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecolo-
gist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

" I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[Hopefull Romantic]

Good one CRG.

HR

[Caneyscud]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:
                         
(10) When your annual breast exam is done by a medical panel consisting of Hooters customers  who won a "In your wildest dreams...." contest.  

(9) Directions to your doctor's office starts with "Take a left at the road between the trailer park and the Hood" and ends with "Don't bother to duck if you hear a gunshot – dem bullets are faster than you are – you'll just hurt your back if you don't get hit!"

(8.) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles and AXE!.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is Barney "Big Fingers" Frank.  

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "Take you BCP daily – if not come see us at the "Clinic!"  Remember BCP's don't prevent STD's unless we say they do!"

(5) Above the entrance door to your clinic is a sign, "Occupying a Waiting Room chair for more than an hour, is not to be considered a "wait", but as an opportunity to "hang", or to "bump ugly's".

(4) The Ice Cream Truck that passes the clinic you are waiting at is bumpin some Lil Jon!

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "tats."

(2) The lighted "Now Serving" sign accommodates six digit numbers.  

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED AN OBAMA FREE HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick, Pink Duct Tape, and a vacuum cleaner hose!

[rdevous]

 
How do these people survive?
 
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.  'You don't?' I replied.  'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.  'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'  'That's right.'  So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)
   
TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'  I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'  She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.
   
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy' (keep shuddering!!)
   
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.  She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'  'Hmmm, I don't know.  Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.  'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'  PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
   
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?'  'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.  Brunette, by the way!!
   
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.  The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.  The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'  The dispatcher replied 'Rush him in to emergency!'
 
::)


Ray

[OU812]

So true, Ray, so true and the worst part is some day they will breed

[Mr Walleye]

So true, Ray, so true and the worst part is some day they will breed

:D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

LMAO!

Mike

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D  LOL  Those are really funny.

My wife wanted to cash a travelers cheque once when were visiting the USA.  The gum chewing idiot at the counter asked to see her drivers license.  My wife produced hers and after an eternity of scrutiny the gum chewer finally  asked " Swizzzerlan, is that like a country or something?"  We assured her that there were definite similarities.  True story.

[pensrock]

Exercise for People over 40
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty of Room at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks. Then try 50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
;D ;D

[3rensho]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.   The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.    He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.   He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,   'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

[classicrockgriller]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"