Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

My apologies to my other coast brothers.....There's just so many jokes. ;D ;D ;D :D :D

Newfie Hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute  when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police  officer.

'What's going on here, people?asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife!' the Newfoundlander answers, sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.

[hal4uk]

Good one, Q!

[hal4uk]

Ok... It's time for a "Mommy" joke...

Mommy! Mommy! I hate my sister's guts!
Shut up kid, and eat what's put in front of ya.

[rdevous]

Mommy! Mommy! I hate my sister's guts!
Shut up kid, and eat what's put in front of ya.

...Well, just gag a maggot why don't ya!!!   ;D ;D ;D
 
 
Ray

[hal4uk]

Ok... I'll go a little milder...

Mommy! Mommy! Can I quit walking around in circles now?
Shut up kid, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

[Quarlow]

Canada eh?!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
6. Big rock between you and the rest of the country.
7. It's where Bradley Smokers come from.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead ofthe approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Officia l Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians think about putting blankets on their Bradley smokers.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door and they finally put the blankets on their smokers.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
• Lawyers stick hands in their OWN Pockets


--
The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing. German Proverb

[FLBentRider]

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

• Lawyers stick hands in their OWN Pockets

[Quarlow]

I have adjusted that one FLBR that was a good one. :D :D

[FLBentRider]

I have adjusted that one FLBR that was a good one. :D :D

My 16YO daughter gets credit for that one!

[Caneyscud]

You know you are a Redneck if......................

[rdevous]

Be sure to order the hottest gift for Christmas 2010.......The Watermelon Patch Kid.  You must order soon to insure delivery in time for Christmas as it takes nine months to manufacture this precious gift item.  Chair not sold separately.


Ray
 

[Quarlow]

 ;D ;D :D :D :D :D  thats a good one Ray!

[Caneyscud]

Almost swallowed my toothpick when I saw this Ray!

As my Grandmom would say "That is Pre--cious!"

[Yooper Jim]

I live in a small town on the Ontario border.

The standard joke

"How do you tell if they are a Canadian?" 

Answer

"They have a chicken in one hand, a gallon of milk in the other and they smell like gasoline."   :o  ;D

No offense Eh.  Forgive me

A lot of Canadians on the forum.  Bradley is a Canadian company.  I'll bet Bradley bisquettes are made in Canada out of Canadian wood chips.  Are you plotting to take over the world?  ...... Coincidence I don't think so!

[3rensho]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland, it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied:
''Bejayzus!  Are yez feckin' stupid?  Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital''.