Funny story of the day

[Tiny Tim]

#21...Guess I'm never gonna grow up then. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[iceman]

Way to true wildcat.  :D

[pensrock]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

             Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's
heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and
he begins to think irrationally???

                                             



Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck.

[Wildcat]

Now that is funny! True as well!

[KevinG]

Um - filler up.

[classicrockgriller]

Ok, Ill bite.

I was talking to a friend this morning and she told me her parents house burned down about a year ago. Well it was the stove pipe that had a hole in it. When the wind blew it pushed sparks into the house and it caught on fire and burned the house to the ground. Well about the only thing left was the wood stove.

The wood stove now sits in their new house! ;D

Maybe she took out a "BIGGER" insurance policy this time.

[ArnieM]

Got this via email from a friend.

AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift
I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

*** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started.

***** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady

swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend.'

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think that a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And that's when the fight started...

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight got started....

**** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,

So I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed.  I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'  My loving wife
of 10 years replied, 'Yeah and can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight got started.....

[OU812]

Too funny

Been there done that on a few of those my self.

[Caneyscud]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

             Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's
heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and
he begins to think irrationally???

                                             



Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck.

I knew I liked my Lariat - 10 yo and still smellin' good!  I'm not gonna say it smells better than my wife's perfume - she might read this someday - and I'm ascared of her!

[KevinG]

Wow  Arnie, you sure know how to pick a fight.

[OU812]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story



Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out
of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs
are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my
bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

[rdevous]

 
THIS WAS TO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE AND SOMETIMES WE NEED A GOOD LAUGH...THIS IS IT...
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shoot yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.  :P

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the ch illies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.  :)


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.  :(


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, shoot, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.  :(


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.  :-\


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!  :-[


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
 
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.  :-\


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YO U!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.  ::)



Ray
 

[iceman]

That was a good one rdevous!!! I haven't had a laugh like that in a log time.  :D

[Roadking]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North
Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.   He was leavin'
a cove well-known for its fishing.

      The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those
fish?'  'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them
there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

      'Pet fish?'

      'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right
back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

      'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

      The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's
the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

      'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

      The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

      'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

      The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

      'Call who back?'

      'The FISH,' replied the warden!

      'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ............

      Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

      You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.
      In God We Trust.

[Caneyscud]

Ray, I can't see to type this, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!  "did it smell that bad when you ate it?""


That was a definite "Jalapeno Morning"