Funny story of the day

[KevinG]

 ;D :'(  ;D :'(  ;D :'(  ;D :'(  ;D :'( ;D :'(  ;D :'(  ;D

Ray, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

[Wildcat]

*WOMEN'S*    *ARSE  SIZE  STUDY*

            *There is a new study about women and how they feel about
            their arses; the results were pretty interesting:
            *
            *30% of women** **think their** **arse is too fat............
            10% of women think their arse is too skinny.......*

    *The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good
    man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.*

[Tenpoint5]

THESE REALLY WORK!!   I checked these out on Snopes and it's for real!


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO   HOLD THE VEGETABLES   WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A   FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A   TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING   A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Quarlow]

Some of these have been around awhile,, some are new..... all of em are funny!!
　
Subject: WOMAN
　
　　　------------------------------------------------------------
　　
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet　,　I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,　
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women...
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS　
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him..
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
WIFE VS. HUSBAND　
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　
WORDS　
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day....30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
CREATION　
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain..
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
WHO DOES WHAT　
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee..' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　
The Silent Treatment　
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
　
------------------------------------------------------------
　　
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece　
　
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
　　
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!

[rdevous]

 
    THE SWEETNESS OF MARRIED LIFE.............
 
 
The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern
to have a beer, I'll be right back.'
   
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
   
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered.  'I'm going to have a beer.....'
 
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
   
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop.....But at the bar....You know....they have frozen glasses.......'
 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long...I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?
 
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?'  She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:  chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
 
'But my sweet honey.....At the bar....You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
 
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  'LISTEN UP,CHICKEN 0!  SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!  THAT 0 IS OVER!  GOT IT, DUMBASS?'
   
And they lived happily ever after.
   
Isn't that a sweet story?
   
MARRIED LIFE..........MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.
 
 
Ray
 

[smokeitall]

12 Days of Christmas, courtesy of the Kenosha, WI police department..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_risJzuR2E

Hey STC, thats funny since its my hometown and I actually recognize a few of them in the video.  ;D
SIA

[schneep]

ESPN  and Snopes has just announced that Brett Favre and Adrian Petereson have joined in a joint venture, they will be opening a new chain of Bakeries, there speciallity will be...TURNOVERS!!!!

[Caribou]

Carolyn

[Roadking]

Carolyn

Now that is funny! But true, off with their heads......................

[leftcoast smoker]

not sure if anyones seen this before but I had to post it, just got it in an email today, I darn near wet myself

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
The reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:





CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

[Bavind]

 :o :o :'( :'( :'(

Crying here that last one was so funny. RLMAO

[classicrockgriller]

Think I crapped and pissed my pants from laughing.

lcs, that is too damn funny!

[squirtthecat]

 :D :D

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

And that is the icing on the cake!

[MPTubbs]

Wiping the tears from I eyes so I can type this!

Too funny!

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D