Funny story of the day

[rdevous]

 
THAT just went cross country to friends and family!  Did not see the ending of that one!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[beefmann]

BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[Salmonsmoker]

 ;D ;D ;D

[schneep]

Not exactly breaking news but worth repeating ...

New Commemorative Pistol

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of members
of the United States Senate and the House of Representatives.
It will be named the "Congressman."

It doesn't work, and you can't fire it.



 






















 

[OU812]

Three blonds got in the car and drove to Disneyland.

When they exited the freeway, they saw a sign at the end of the ramp that said:

"Disneyland Left"

So they turned around and went home.

[SiFumar]

[rdevous]

   

A Lesson in Irony.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson in irony...
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

 ;D ;D ;D

[devo]

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Coleville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a "waste treatment facility". I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned you down."

[Salmonsmoker]

LOVE IT!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

[TMB]

   

A Lesson in Irony.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson in irony...
 
 
Ray
 

Love that!

[OU812]

Three friends die in a car accident. They go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher, which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "LOOK, HE'S MOVING! HE'S ALIVE!"

[rdevous]

 
Things to remember!
 
            1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.
               
            2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
               
            3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
               
            4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
               
            5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
             
            Bonus:

            Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.  A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
   
Ray
 
 

[ghost9mm]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

[SiFumar]

Now that's a good one G9!