Funny story of the day

manxman · November 27, 2008, 04:08:40 AM

This may well have been posted before, but a funny one nonetheless. ;)

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

FLBentRider · November 27, 2008, 04:50:06 AM

We had the house howling with this one..

;D ;D ;D ;D

pensrock · November 27, 2008, 06:00:50 AM

;D ;D ;D ;D

Mr Walleye · November 27, 2008, 06:13:58 AM

Finally Justice

One day in the future, O J Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. 'No, this is no good . I've got this problem with my shoulder I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbel ief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . .

(This is priceless)

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

:D :D :D :D ;D

pensrock · November 27, 2008, 06:24:12 AM

Now that was good! ;D ;D ;D ;D

pensrock · November 27, 2008, 06:24:51 AM

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "Um, how many is a Brazilian?"

;D ;D

manxman · November 28, 2008, 05:55:25 AM

Update on Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

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"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

LilSmoker · November 28, 2008, 01:51:15 PM

Great stuff guys!, really had me laughing out loud here

manxman · December 01, 2008, 03:37:36 AM

Adverts from a local "lonely hearts" column in a Scottish newspaper.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble s*xpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in beer, cigarettes, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian man lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

Wildcat · December 01, 2008, 10:42:41 AM

An interview with World renowned health expert, Dr. Ima Nomskal......

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather an attempt to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

-------------------------------------------------

And . . . . .

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Tenpoint5 · December 01, 2008, 09:53:32 PM

He had to go...

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to

university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly

has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't

believe what modern education is developing.

They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will

teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I

get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young

jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs

out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue

doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you

just won't believe this. They've had such good

results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals

how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How

do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can

neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives

home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to

talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,

Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the

recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal... Then he suddenly

turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing

around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that

bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

bigredsmoker · December 02, 2008, 09:51:37 AM

:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D

icerat4 · December 02, 2008, 11:44:26 AM

;D ;D ;D +1

icerat4 · December 03, 2008, 07:49:26 AM

GOTTA LOVE THAT NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery
the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large
black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week

Wildcat · December 03, 2008, 10:19:34 AM

:D ;D ;D Love this one. Wife's two sisters are nurses and I just gotta send this to them!