Funny story of the day

[ananomoly]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made
the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted
to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old men can still think fast  ;D :D

[3rensho]

Good one and fast thinking!  ;D ;D

[3rensho]

Some definitions -

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

17. Morbid (n.), an application for a government bail-out

[Wildcat]

Here is one that I got by e-mail today:


I was depressed last night so I rang a suicide hotline.  I was transferred to an

out-sourced call center in Pakistan .  I told them I was suicidal...  They got all

excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Mr Walleye]

 :D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike

[westexasmoker]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anna, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anna decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anna prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anna hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anna consents for more coupl ing.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.  ;D

[Smoking Duck]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Still giggling like a school girl!

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[La Quinta]

  :D  :D  :D

[Smokin Soon]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and
calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

[La Quinta]

As I am Irish....that is classic!!!  :D

[Smokin Soon]

Hinkley to be released 

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s.  Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.  There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.  In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.  We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been humping Jodie Foster.  Thought you should know.

[Smoking Duck]

I'm giggling like a gaggle of schoolgirls!  ;D ;D ;D

[Smokin Soon]

How many in a "gaggle" I could not find much.

In colloquial Western Canadian English, a gaggle is an adjective describing a largely disorganized group of Jildos (another colloquial adjective describing a woman that tends to be annoying and lacking in her own individual opinions) putting forth discontent among all related fellows.

And Jildo? Interesting........

[Smoking Duck]

A gaggle describes a group.  I just chose gaggle because of it's remarkable similrity to giggle  ;D