Funny story of the day

[Wildcat]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[sherlock]

 ;D ;D ;D
GOOD ONE

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[Smoking Duck]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him,
he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side ... You know what?"

      "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me."

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[Smokin Soon]

 A blonde goes to the post office to

buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the

clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and

22 Baptists.



***************



A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom

mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says

to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and

ugly. I  really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn  near

perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

[westexasmoker]

Boudreaux enters Thibodeaux's barbershop for a shave.

While Thibodeaux is foaming him up, Boudreaux mentions the problems
he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

Thibodeaux said, "Mais, I'm got just the ting", taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place dis between your
cheek and gum."
Boudreaux places the ball in his mouth, and Thibodeaux proceeds with
the closest shave Boudreaux has ever experienced! After a few
strokes,Boudreaux asks, "Mais, what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says Thibodeaux.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."   :o

[icerat4]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

                    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

                    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

                    One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

                    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're
doing well. Only two left.'

                    Seniors - don't mess with them.

[Smokin Soon]

Here's Yer Sign

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in  Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg:  We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
      **********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Smoking Duck]

 ;D ;D ;D

We have an auto body shop here in town that has a sign that reads:

We come highly wreckomended.  Always brings a giggle when I read it.

[bigredsmoker]

A young blonde in Louisiana wanted to take home a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then,
maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and
get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little
lady, why don't you go-on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, h e spots

the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the
creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator
onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

FIRST TIME S*X
............

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s*x before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s*x. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.


The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Smoking Duck]

Never underestimate the bravery of our soldiers (Disclaimer:  I am a vet and received this via e-mail and thought it was funny):

[bigredsmoker]

What???....... I don't get it? The guys alergic to roses or what??? ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."



Passenger: 'Who?'



Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'



Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'



Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'



Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'



Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'



Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'



Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'



Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'



Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his g****mn widow.'