Funny story of the day

[FLBentRider]

;D ;D ;D

You and I resemble that remark.  In fact, my wife refers to the handles just above the door in the car as "Oh, Sh*t" handles  ;D

That' the name of the handle down here too.

[ananomoly]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: And then the fight started.....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have family?

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[3rensho]

Lawrence Livermore Laboratory has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[3rensho]

The Demographics of Newspapers....

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to
leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat
on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if
there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose
all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course,
that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. The Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish and
need something in which to wrap it

[bigredsmoker]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, there's five things that you should know:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nope...not if I've gotta explain it five times.'

[Smokin Soon]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, 
for my dogs  Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the
bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both
arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Belly laugh!

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

Subject: 86-year old lady's letter to bank .
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Perhaps we should all take note in relation to our dealings with banks?

>
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client



(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)

And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.

[Caneyscud]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, 
for my dogs  Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the
bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both
arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

Here's your sign!

[Smokin Soon]

Glad to hear I'm not the only Bill Engvall fan here!

[beefmann]

how  to order your eggs...


Went into a Mimi's cafe to have breackfast with family and the waitress walked over and took our drink order.. and went to retrieve that part of our order as we decided on the rest of the order... after we all looked the menu over carefully the we decided on what we wanted .. mother asked for a denver omlet.. dad ordered pancakes and sausage... brother ordered waffels and bacon...then it was my turn as the waitress looked at  me I asked for sausage links and eggs.... she asked how would I like my eggs..

I responded ...like my mind


SCRAMBBLED!!!!

[manxman]

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Porsche doing 105 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the mars bar right out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D

[Caneyscud]

Was she in a Black Boxter - I think I saw her yesterday!


Shakespeare
The Bard of Hot Aire
Threadkiller Extraordinaire'