Funny story of the day

[manxman]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55


He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 60.

'I want the car, too,' he continues.


65 mph.

'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'


The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.

'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
 
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

'The airbag.'

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

For all you wine lovers out there, this is noteworthy!!!!

Walmart announced that, sometime in 2009 ,
it will begin offering customers a new discount item ----
Walmart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up
with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California
to produce the spirits at an affordable price,
in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined
to put a bottle of Walmart brand
into their shopping carts,
but "there is a market for inexpensive wine,"
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing
at the University of Arkansas.

"But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine
the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.
 
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served
with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax.
I know possum is not a white meat.

[pensrock]

Hmmmm. smoked possum with a nice 2009 Peanut Noir.  ;D ;D ;D

[FLBentRider]

What about pinot garagio ?

[Caneyscud]

Cold 'Smokin' Duck ??? 

Blanc edety Blanc Champagne

[Caneyscud]

BlueJean Nouveau

[Smoking Duck]

Caney (Shake),

You crack me up  ;D

SD ( I will need royalties if my name is to continue to be used  ;) ;D)

[Smokin Soon]

If you are offended by a horse farting, pass on this one.

[Smokin Soon]

Try again.....

http://s282.photobucket.com/albums/kk250/smokinsoon/?action=view&current=RomanticSleighRide.flv

[Smoking Duck]

Some football Jokes..............



Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "200."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"


Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "145"

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"


Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "50."


Albert responds, "How about them Cowboys?"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________


A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Ravens fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Ravens fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Ravens fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans ever. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Ravens fan to my back"

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you support?"

"I'm a Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, that's no reason for you to be a Bronco fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."


______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


A Steelers fan was walking on the beach when he noticed a gold lantern, he picked it up and rubbed it. Suddenly Gunga-Din appeared wearing a Joe Flacco jeresy. Gunga-Din told the Steelers fan he had three wishes, but whatever he wished for the Raven fans around the world would recieve double the wish.

The Steelers fan thought long and hard.... he then began his wishes. He wished for a million dollars.... *Poof*... a million dollars. Gunga-Din laughed and pronounced every Ravens fan is now a millionarie. Then the Steelers fan wished for a flawless woman for a wife.... *Poof*... a beautiful wife. Gunga-Din began laughing again and said "Now, every Ravens fan has two beautiful women for wives". The Steelers fan repeated Gunga-Din and said "Raven fans get double what I wish for?"..... "Yes"... Gunga-Din said laughing hysterically. Then the Steelers fan said "Fine... I wish to be beaten half to death!"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Little Johny was in court for to hear the judge's final words regarding his guardianship

"Now Johny", the Judge said, "We found your parents to be really bad parents, and they beat you quite often, so we are going to put you with your uncle."

"Uh-Uh", said little Johny "My uncle beats me worse than my parents ever did."

"Oh, ok", said the Judge, "Then we'll put you with your grandfather."

"Uh-Uh", said little Johny "My grandfather beats me worse than my uncle ever did."

"Ok fine", said the judge, "We'll place you with someone who couldn't possible beat you ever."

That day, the Judge placed little Johny with the Detroit Lions.   


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Chiefs game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Chiefs score, my dog does flips." The Chiefs keep kicking field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Chiefs score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



A Jets fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Patriots fans?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Patriots fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Patriots fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Patriots fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Jets fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Snow White was cleaning the cottage
while the dwarfts were working in the
mine.

Suddenly she heard an explosion, She
ran to the mine and yelled is everyone
okay.

She got no reply, so she yelled again.

Suddenly she heard a voice saying
"The Ravens are going to beat the
Steelers for the AFC Championship.

Cinderella replied:
Thank goodness, DOPEY is still alive"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Mr Walleye]

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?



Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?



Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?






Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?



If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?



Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?



Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?



How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Smoking Duck]

More football jokes......................



A Steeler fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Ravens fan he saw
strutting down the street in an obnoxious Purple shirt. He would swerve his
van as if to hit them then swerve back just missing them. 

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good
deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, 'Where are you going, Father?' 

'I' m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the
road,' replied the priest. 'Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!' The priest
climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Ravens fan walking down the road, and he
instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road
just in time. 

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud
THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from,  he glanced in his mirrors but
still didn't see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry
Father, I almost hit that Ravens fan.' 

'That's OK,' replied the priest 'I got him with the door.' 


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________


The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[pensrock]

Stop it..... I'm laughing so hard it hurts!  ;D ;D ;D ;D

[3rensho]

Those are too funny!!  The one with Einstein had me laughing out loud.  ;D ;D ;D