Funny story of the day

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Dam near sprayed my screen with grape juice.  LMAO

[OU812]

A little Texas humor I thought you might like

A Texan is sitting in a bar far from home
when Barrack Obama comes on TV

The man looks at the TV and says
"Obama is a horse's ass"

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punshes him
in the face knocking the Texan off his bar stool, then stomps out

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV
He looks at the TV and says " She is a horses ass too"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other
side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again

He gets back up and looks at the bartender and says
"I take it this is Obama country"

"Nope" replies the bartender
"Horse country"

[Tiny Tim]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.

Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"... Read more... Read More

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

[rdevous]

 
3rensho,

I see you too subscribe to Bartender magazine.  I enjoy reading the magazine and staying up on the latest libations available.


Ray

[3rensho]

Absolutely Ray.  Gotta keep up with what type of juice goes well with smoked goodies.

Tom

[squirtthecat]

Not so much a story, but a cute comic.

[mikecorn.1]

Pretty good. Check out his shirt. Says Grill of my dreams.  :D

[pensrock]

'pinewood smoked?' I would not be staying for lunch there. lol

[rdevous]

 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to customs, she let the Priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said "Go ahead Father. Next"

 
Ray

[mikecorn.1]

That's a pretty dam funny one.

[squirtthecat]

[classicrockgriller]

Don't Fart in Bed



This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.



The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.



Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.



She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!



Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.



She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.



Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.



The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.



He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.



But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Tiny Tim]

So glad I wasn't drinking a beer when I read that one....beer burns really bad when it comes out your nose.  And no, I don't have a habit of drinking in the morning unless I'm at the racetrack tailgating.

[rdevous]

 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.   When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.  When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.  All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Wildcat]

I like it!  ;)