Funny story of the day

[classicrockgriller]

             GHOST SEX

                  A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.


                To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'


                About 90 students raise their hands.


                'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'


                About 40 students raise their hands.


                'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a   ghost?'


                About 15 students raise their hand.


                'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'


                Three students raise their hands.


                'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'


                Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.


                The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.   You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'


                The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.


                When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'


                Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said GOATS.

[squirtthecat]

[Hopefull Romantic]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said,
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

(The teacher fainted......)

[Quarlow]

ROFLMAO OMG that's a good one. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[ArnieM]

Good one Hady  ;D ;D

[rdevous]

 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.  'Well, that's good.  Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.  And sometimes the living room floor is fun.  You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.  'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes...Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted


Ray

[classicrockgriller]

Now that's funny! That will be told at the camp this weekend.

Thanks Ray

[pensrock]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays approach.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and three times last Monday, and most likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Thanks,
Pens

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart, but already bought them out.

[rdevous]

 
Pen,

Where's the rimshot sound affect when you need it?

Ray.........hanging around the local BJ's Warehouse Club parking lot...........

[classicrockgriller]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.  Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[schneep]

Is it true that Tiger Woods is changing his name???

From   Tiger   to   Cheetah!!

[KevinG]

Is it true that Tiger Woods is changing his name???

From   Tiger   to   Cheetah!!

That one took a second but  ;D

[classicrockgriller]

It's a shame he did what he did, but that is funny.

[squirtthecat]

I'm sure you've all seen it, but just in case..


Tiger's Christmas Card photo

[classicrockgriller]

Bet he keeps his puter in his bag from now on!