Funny story of the day

[SoCalBuilder]

A young New York woman was so  depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship.

"I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.

"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "

[SoCalBuilder]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room,   drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a  time..'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in
Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers
and one for myself..'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it  there..

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though...'

[TMB]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.It was covered with  names and small American flags mounted on either side of  it.The  six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so  the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said  quietly, 'Good morningAlex.'  'Good  morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.  'Pastor, what is this? 'The  pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and  women who died in the service.'

Soberly,  they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,  little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear  asked,




'Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?'  ;D ;D
   

[Quarlow]

A man and his wife are sitting in a bar having afew beers. After his second one he says out loud "I really love you". To which she says "is that you talking or is it the beer". He replys "it was me and I was talking to my beer".  ;D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[devo]

Child's prayer‏

Dear God: This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen

[Quarlow]

 :D :D :D

[SouthernSmoked]

With gas prices hovering over $3.25 my wife told me that we couldn't afford beer anymore. Then the other day I found a new receipt for makeup, $64.99.

When I asked her why I had to give things up but she didn't she replied that she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for!

I don't think she is coming back!  ;D ;D ;D

[Quarlow]

 :D :D :D that's a good one.

[ArnieM]

"When I asked her why I had to give things up but she didn't she replied that she needed the makeup to look pretty for me."

I've heard that one before  >:(

[Wildcat]

Government work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus program worked....and you probably thought the money was mishandled.

[schneep]

Born a Lutheran

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton, and is was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested he become a Catholic. 

After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass... and as the Priest sprinkled holy water on him, he said," You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic".

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of venison steak filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching his rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You vuz born a deer, you vus raised a deer, but now you is a walleye".

[squirtthecat]

:D :D :D :D

[rdevous]

 
Bacon Tree
 
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
 
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
 
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
 
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
 
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
 
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
 
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
 
   
Ees
 
   
Ees
 
   
Ees
 

 
Ees a ham bush....
 
 
 
Ray, also heading for the corner!!!
 
 

[classicrockgriller]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church
found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink
envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno!"