Funny story of the day

[3rensho]

That hits the nail square on the head!  Good one ;D

[classicrockgriller]

I read this everyday and have an older friend (82) that I call to check on everday.

When things are good for him, I pass along jokes from this thread.

You guys make me and a better man smile alot.

Thanks for all the great jokes.

[rdevous]

 
Well, CRG, here's one more for him!
 
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman.  "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
 
 
Ray
 

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D  Reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me.  He's from a small town in LA but has lived in the north most of his life.  He was in a local Grand Auto store in LA and a good old boy came in and asked the Yankee clerk for two blue stars.  After repeating the question the clerk still had no idea what he wanted.  My friend translated for him - tubeless tires.   ;D ;D

[BuyLowSellHigh]

 ;D   ;D   ;D

[smoker pete]

;D   ;D   ;D

I noticed BLSH that in your signature it states "I like animals, they taste good!" ... I've been a member of PETA for a long time now ..."People Eating Tasty Animals" ...  ;D ;D

[BuyLowSellHigh]

 ;)   ;D

My avatar too!

[rdevous]

 
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
 
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
 
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
 
'Pet fish?'
 
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
 
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
 
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
 
OK.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
 
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
 
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
 
'Well, what?,' says the redneck.
 
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
 
'Call who back?'
 
'The FISH,' replied the warden!
 
'What fish?,' replied the redneck. .............
 
Moral of the story:  We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
 
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
 
 
Ray
 
 

[squirtthecat]

Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.


'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'


The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'

The Cajun is now the new supervisor

[TestRocket]

I was in Bayou La Batre, AL weekend before last with folks that think and talk just like this and I'll tell you now, during hard times I know I wouldn't go hungry!  ;D

[rdevous]

 
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
 
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't  believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
 
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, You've finally lost your mind."
 
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
 
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
 
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.  It's been such a long, long time....So ...  do you think we should ... well ....  you know .....  screw her?"
 
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.
 
 
Ray
 

[DarqMan]

A young cowboy goes off to college.  Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says.  "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says.  "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding!  How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."  The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.  So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  "Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the

Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C.  As a Congressman.

[Wildcat]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of *#*."

[Smokin Soon]

Really not a funny, but interesting

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

[SoCalBuilder]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button..

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially...

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said  to his son.....

'Go get your mother !!!'