Funny story of the day

[rdevous]

 
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
 
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
 
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together - it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".
 
The room suddenly went very quiet as the men absorbed this information.  Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" answered the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries the golf bag while we walk?"

 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

And how. LOL

[ghost9mm]

Yep!!!  :D :D :D

[ccfdmike]

I've heard this before and it's funny every time!

[devo]

GOD:Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them withgrass.
They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God:The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[DisplacedCoonass]

It's funny but incredibly true.  I wish I could remember where I read the article about how much Americans spend on lawn maintenance and how much lawn care may actually be polluting/harming the soil.  Not long after I read that article, I saw a gardening program on what I believe was Martha Stewart's property where she only has small patches of maintained lawn.  The rest is beds/patches of naturally growing wildflowers aka weeds.

I'm no tree-hugger, but I say it sounds like a plan to cut down on the amount of yard work being done in the blazing summer!

[rdevous]

 
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
 
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
 
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
 
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
 
"Me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately and that there therapist suggested I do somethin' sexy to a tractor."
 
 
Don't make me come splain this to you!  Read the last line again, slowly.
   
 
 
Ray
 
 

[devo]

Often folks will ask what would I change if I were to have another life to live from scratch. Well, after pondering all the alternatives, I finally decided how it would be structured. So, here is the plan:


I want to live my next life backwards. I start out dead and get that ugly
part out of the way right off the bat.

Then, I wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When I am finally kicked out of the home for being too healthy, I spend several
years enjoying my retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When I start work, I get a gold watch on my first day.

I work 45 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon I'm too
young to work.

Then I'd go to college, pretend to study, party, play doctor with all the cute ladies, and drink a lot more.

So then, I go to high school and play sports, date, drink, and party.

As I get even younger, I become a kid again. I go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities whatsoever.

In a few years, I become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping me happy.

I spend my last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap and someone
singing to me relaxing lullabies.

Until finally...I finish off as an orgasm.


Well, that works for me.

[Bigbirdoffroad]

Oh Yeah Devo, That sounds GREAT to me!!!

[rdevous]

 
Well actually you end up as a microscopic cell swimming in a liquid with thousands of cells who look exactly like you......
 
Look at the bright side....we were ALL the Mark Phelps of our father............We won the race and were awarded a nine (give or take) month all expense paid vacation.  LOL  Congratulation.....you swimmers you!!!
 
 
Ray

 

[GusRobin]

 
Well actually you end up as a microscopic cell swimming in a liquid with thousands of cells who look exactly like you......
 
Look at the bright side....we were ALL the Mark Phelps of our father............We won the race and were awarded a nine (give or take) month all expense paid vacation.  LOL  Congratulation.....you swimmers you!!!
   
Ray

Of course there are some days that I feel that the rest of the swimmers knew what was in the future and let me win. ;D

[rdevous]

Of course there are some days that I feel that the rest of the swimmers knew what was in the future and let me win. ;D

I've had a number of days that I too felt like some of the swimmers slowed down j u s t enough... ::)
 
 
Ray

[RossP]

Saw this one on one of the fishing forums I am on. Could not pass it up.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3...Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D