Funny story of the day

[classicrockgriller]

I love this.  My wife got an email offering a discount from a local garage where she has had her oil changed.  It ends with this:

WE PTIDE OURSELVES ON QUALITY WORK DONE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

;D ;D

[rdevous]

 
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
 
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'  Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
 
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
 
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
   
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. 
 
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place  stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
 
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
 
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
 
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled  nun.
 
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.  Now, how about that drink?


Ray
 
 

[TestRocket]

Many years ago... I believe it was a restaurant along the back waters of Mobile Bay? The woman's bathroom had a metal statue of the type in the joke and when the woman peeked a bell rang. Funny thing was it got Mrs. Jan! I had tears in my eyes from laughing when she got back to the table!  ;D The truth!

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D

[Quarlow]

I would have loved to see her red face when you told her about the bell.

Going to the bathroom: Free
Ringing the bell : Priceless

For all the rest there's MasterVisa.  :D :D :D

[GusRobin]

THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who cares who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!

[Sailor]

2 thumbs up.

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D
and this many for Number 1. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[iceman]

Gee THANKS Gus!!! I just blew beer through my nose!!! :o  ;D  Oh wait, that's on the list of things the DO SAY.  ;)  :)

[Wildcat]

My sister e-mailed these medical funnies to me.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .


'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one?' . .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn ' t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . .

It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly

burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....

One More

Baby ' s First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[pensrock]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asks, "What does that mean"?

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "?

He said, "I'm Just Kidding".

His eye is still swollen.

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[ArnieM]

The perfect Bacon Burger?

[ArnieM]

The good old days ...

[SiFumar]

...A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway...Nothing is moving...

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window...The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" ..."Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom....Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire...We are going from car to car, taking up a collection...""How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "About a gallon."