Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

LOL that one is rich.

[squirtthecat]

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and driveways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house ... it's mine."

[ArnieM]

Little Hodiaki


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F. . k the Japs.'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s. . t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s. . t. We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.'

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Caneyscud]

Have to drag this one out for the new people.

Christmas with Louise

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

    Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut . "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

   

    I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[pensrock]

Redneck etiquette
;D ;D ;D

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others  might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATERS:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

[Caneyscud]

The top 100 reasons it's great to be a guy
1.   Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.   Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3.   You know stuff about tanks.
4.   A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5.   Monday Night Football.
6.   You don't have to monitor your friends lives.
7.   Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8.   You can open all your own jars.
9.   Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10.   Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11.   When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12.   The size of your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
13.   You don?t EVER have to rent the movies Love Story or Chocolate.
14.   A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15.   No stretch marks.
16.   You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17.   You can cut you fingernails with your pocketknife.
18.   You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19.   Your last name stays put.
20.   You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21.   When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22.   You can kill your own food.
23.   The garage is all yours.
24.   You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.   A hair cut costs less than $20.
26.   You don?t have to share an umbrella with another man..
27.   You never have to clean the toilet.
28.   You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29.   You are forbidden to apply suntan oil on another man.
30.   Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31.   If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32.   Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33.   The National College Cheerleading Championship
34.   None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35.   You don't have to shave below your neck.
36.   You don't have to curl up next to a hairy man every nite.
37.   If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38.   You can write your name in the snow.
39.   A shower only takes a few minutes and the drain doesn't get clogged with hair.
40.   Everything on your face stays its original color.
41.   Chocolate is just another snack.
42.   You can be president.
43.   You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44.   Flowers fix everything.
45.   You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46.   There is no reason for you to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
47.   You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48.   Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49.   You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50.   You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51.   You think BMI is either a fancy foreign car or a Music Company.  You don?t know nothing about Body Mass..
52.   Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53.   Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54.   You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55.   You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56.   You can reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
57.   Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58.   You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59.   You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60.   The world is your urinal.
61.   You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your girlfriend is about to leave you.
62.   You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63.   Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64.   One mood, all the time.
65.   You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66.   You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67.   You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68.   You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69.   Same work....more pay.
70.   Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71.   You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72.   Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73.   You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74.   It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
75.   You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76.   If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77.   The remote is yours and yours alone.
78.   People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79.   ESPN's sports center.
80.   You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81.   Bachelor parties trump bridal showers.
82.   You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83.   You can buy condoms without the cashier imagining you naked.
84.   You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85.   If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86.   Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87.   Your shoes do not intentionally match any other article of clothing on your body
88.   If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89.   Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90.   The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91.   You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92.   You can take pride in breaking wind.
93.   If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94.   New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95.   You are not required to cry at anytime, but acceptable times are:
          When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
          After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
          The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
          Watching  film of JFK's son saluting his father's passing coffin
          They shut down your local pub
          Visiting the battlefields in Normandy and the graves of soldiers who were only   
                        boys
         The video to Hurt by Johnny Cash
         When Bambi's mom dies
         Watching veterans at Veteran?s Day parades or at the various Veterans?s             
                       Memorials.. In their wheelchairs, shaking with old age and still making it
                       to give respect to their old buddies.
96.   You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97.   Any dispute can be settled by rock, paper, scissors ? not by ?talking?.
98.   Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99.   Baywatch
100.   There is always a game on somewhere.

[Quarlow]

88 (A) The likelyhood of someone showing up in the same outfit are slim to none. His underwear will most assuredly be different and you would know cause when you asked he would not hesitate to show you.

[pensrock]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had ?disappeared.? Irate, she called her husband?s cell and demanded ?Where the hell are you ??
?Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and remember that I didn?t have the money at the time and said ?Baby it?ll be yours one day.?

Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replied ?Yes. I remember that, my love.?

?Well, I?m in the bar next to that store.?
;D ;D ;D

[Caneyscud]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Caney,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Caney, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?


And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.
     

[3rensho]

That one is great Mr. Scud.  Really got me laughing (and planning).  Wonder if the Swiss have a sense of humor.

[Scotty Dog]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[rdevous]

 
Sign outside Chinese Buffet Restaurant
   

ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET
NOT MEAN ALL DAY BUFFET
YOU NO COME STAY 4 HOURS
YOU EAT - YOU GO HOME!

 
 
Ray

[ArnieM]

I have to put that sign out when the in-laws come over  :D

[devo]

I found this to be funny tonight.
I have been cooking a lot with bacon in it as I just did 12 lbs. of bacon. After supper tonight I gave my 8 year old son some Christmas cookies with nuts and fruit in them. He looked them over very carefully and asked " Dad do these have bacon in them too?"