Funny story of the day

[Drac]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs,
a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"... He declines. "The Viagra,"
he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[mikecorn.1]

Lmao!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OU812]

Now THAT was funny.

Good one Drac

[Leadfoote]

[Caneyscud]

Proper perspective and priorities

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2"in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[JZ]

Good one and with that note I will open the first of the evening.

[Mr Walleye]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense:

Glasgow cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D :D

[Caneyscud]

Something to think about

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ..do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[ghost9mm]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.



The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."



The second , from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians ! Everything inside them is color coded."



The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"



The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."



But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

[3rensho]

The DC surgeon sure got that right!!!!  Good un  ;D ;D ;D

[rdevous]

 
Updated version to Julie Andrew's Sound of Music "These are a few of my favorite things"
 
Sing it ...you know the words...
 

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
 
 
 
Ray
 
 

[standles]

WEATHER REPORT!

      I just talked to a guy on ham radio living in North Dakota
near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning
the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature
is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but
look through the kitchen window and just stare. :o


He said if it got much worse, he might have to let her in... ;D

[Bavind]

Now thats funny ;D ;D ;D

[ghost9mm]

 

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart , had the task of hiring someone to fill
a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of
them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's
no warning..

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch .. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light ,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!