Funny story of the day

[Quarlow]

LOL, Out of the mouths of babes.

[rdevous]

 
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from our social activities over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many glasses of Merlot and some rather nice Cabernet.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.  I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

 
Ray
 
 

[devo]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ff6806e133/new-used

[ghost9mm]

 :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas
rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

[beefmann]

LOL

[rdevous]

 
Puns for Educated Minds
 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
   
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out it was only an optical Aleutian .
 
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
 
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
 
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
 
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
 
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
   
           
 
Ray
 

[3rensho]

Some great ones Ray.  ;D ;D

[manxman]

This joke was aimed at politicians in the UK but may well be true the world over!  ;)

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door

Then an MP (Member of Parliament) came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The MP was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MP?s lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

They are all full of SH*T !

[3rensho]

Manx, you are correct.  That applies universally.   ;D ;D ;D

[iceman]

AMEN Manx!!!  ;D

[rdevous]

 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
 
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter.....Candy."
 
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name.....Penny."
 
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name.....Brandy."
 
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.  Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner!"
 
 
Ray

[Quarlow]

Maybe that is why my wife insisted that if we had a boy it would be called "Johnson".

[GusRobin]

hmmmm - does it mean anything when the wife named our son "Stubby"? ;D ;D

[mikecorn.1]

:)


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