Funny story of the day

[LilSmoker]

I like it!

LilSmoker

[car54]

http://comedyoption.com/pics/monitor_cleaner.swf

[Wildcat]

Cute.  ;D

[manxman]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

**WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 8

[manxman]

REAL 911 Calls


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[Consiglieri]

Manx:  Those excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=5af_1177543363

So who gets the deer?

[LilSmoker]

Yeah nice Manx

[manxman]

Those excerpts reminded me of a "real" 911 recording I heard 15 years ago about an apparently drunk motorist who hit a deer while driving and needed a "bambulance."  I found that recording posted online.  Be forewarned that there is language that some may find offensive.  Snopes.com identifies the authenticity of the recording as "undetermined," but it's pretty darn funny.

Hahaha..... who would be a 911 (999 in UK) despatcher! Choice language too, think I would have told the guy to take a hike.

One of the funniest things (but potentially serious) I have ever witnesssed regarding ambulances was a few years ago when I was on call at the hospital where I work. It was 2 am on New Years Day and out of the window I witnessed two drunks staggering up the road past the ambulance station. The emergency ambulances were lined up with the keys in the ignition ready for action so the two drunks jumped in one of them, switched on the blueys and put their foot down!

I phoned the ambulance station to alert them as this unfolded and after a moments disbelief two paramedics ran out of the garage and gave chase on foot!!

Fortunately also managed to get hold of the police and they stopped the ambulance within a mile of the hospital and arrested the drunks, never again were the ambulances left outside with the keys in.  :-[

The sight of two paramedics running forlornly down the road after their ambulance in hopeless pursuit has always stuck in my mind and came back to haunt them on many occasions!!  ;) :D

Warped sense of humour I guess!!  :-[

[car54]

I am not a good joke or story teller and I usually do not remember them.
Here are 3 that I do remember and feel free to embellish them. They are from about 30 years ago.

1 There is a dinner party and a man and women are seated together. They do not know each other. The man is constantly sneezing and
   every time it is so extreme that he is almost having a convulsion.
   Finally the women asks " What is wrong with you."
   The man replies "every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
   The womens reply was " That sounds awfully. What do you take for it."
   The man replied "Pepper."

2  A baby is just delivered and the Doctor accidental drops him on the floor.
    The baby replies "Doctor be carefully. I am only held together with 1 screw."

3  A couple has a 6 year old son that has never spoken a word.
   One evening while they were eating dinner the boy replied " The soup is cold."
   The parents were amazed and asked their son "Why haven't you talked before?"
   The son replied "Every thing has been good up until now!"

Brad

[manxman]

 :D :D :D


Number 3's my favourite!

[Consiglieri]

My father in law has been telling number 3 for years.  I'll pass on the others to expand his material.  He'll like number one (on the golf course). 

[iceman]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr.  Wilkins, but we have some information about
your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me!  Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr.  Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued.  "When we pulled her up she had two 25-poundking crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[icerat4]

 ;D

[Tiny Tim]

That's bad........but darn funny. lol

[Duster]

that's wrong !!! but not a bad Idea, might as well make the best out of a grim situation