Funny story of the day

[hillbillysmoker]

Man you guys are tough on us hillbllies.

[Duster]

[iceman]

            Hillbilly Vasectomy

This procedure also works in Ballard County,Kentucky, Crawford Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina, Louisiana,Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Virginia, West Virginia, and few other places AND Washington, DC.

I'm pretty sure that's the doctor I just went to in Wasilla.  :D ;D ;)

[coyote]

Shoulders together Hillbilly......I think they're after us ;D



Coyote

[manxman]

How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal
Ads" in the Dublin News:


Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous s*x addict interested in
a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has
been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the
morning.
           -------------------------------

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiance,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
          ------------------------

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and 0ty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
        -------- ------------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard, living in a damp cottage in
the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21  year old blonde lady, with
a lovely chest.
           --------------------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build,  brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and  11:30 PM.
            ------------------------

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year  old double-jointed
super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an  open-minded twin sister.

[MWS]

Hey Manx, I think that last one was from me.... ;D


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[iceman]

mws that is my cousin to the letter!!! He works for the IRS but we just don't talk about the "Black Sheep" much.  :D ;D Naw he's a good guy....honest.  ;)

[LilSmoker]

Great stuff guys!

[3rensho]

A young cowboy goes off to college ...

but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in college that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue
how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says.

"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
the dog can neither her talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed,

"I hope you shot that sob before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

[Wildcat]

 ;D

Here are some more:

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under thewatchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*************************************************************

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him,"62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*********************************************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

********************************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"  I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"  "You're both old," he replied.
********************************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer.  She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?"
he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*******************************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

********************************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*********************************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."

********************************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es.'"

********************************************************************

THEY JUST KEEP GETTING CUTER

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*********************************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.  "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[Wildcat]

---And another:

Just wondering


1. Can you cry under water?



2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?



5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clot hes you were buried in for eternity?



7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



8. What disease did cured ham actually have?



9. Ho w is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???



16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?



20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"



21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)



23 When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?



24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?



28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



29. What do you call male ballerinas?



30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they d ream?



31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?



35. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[iceman]

Aw geez Wildcat. Now I'm gonna be up all night again thinking about that stuff!!!  :D
I was up late last night wondering if all the cows in the world farted at the same time would we have global warming???  :o ;D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Mr Walleye]

That's good Wildcat!

:D  :D  ;D

Mike

[huhwhatliar]

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said?' Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."