Funny story of the day

[manxman]

A Scouse (Liverpool)  senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car showroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M62, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case, as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied:

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

[manxman]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting ...

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to town and went
into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was
a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a bloody jobsworth.  He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tyres.  So the wife called him a sh*thead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.  We'd come into town by bus.  We try to have a little fun each day, now that we're retired -- it's important at our age.

[iceman]

Next time I'm in Anchorage down town I'm going to try that one Manx. Way to funny!  :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

Good ones.  ;D ;D ;D

[coyote]

Great stuff Manxman ;D ;D ;D Keep it comming at us 8)

Coyote

[manxman]

Next time I'm in Anchorage down town I'm going to try that one Manx.

Let us know how you get on Pat!?  ;) :D



A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

>
>
>
>
>



"I was behind you in McDonald's."



 

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[coyote]

 ;D ;D 8)

[Wildcat]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a
half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water .

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

[HCT]

Too funny :D :D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

Who would be a television / radio presenter!? A few inadvertant double meanings!!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
    Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
    takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have
    I just said??"

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
    have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
    "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last
    night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
    did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much
    better today after a 69 yesterday.

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
    "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
    kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
   
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
    said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
    night like this."


   

[3rensho]

Manx, I'm rolling on the floor  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Those are priceless.  Thanks for the post and keep 'em coming.

Tom

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[LilSmoker]

Haha! great ones guys

We've got almost enough material here now for "The Bradley joke book"

Here's another lil'one:

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went
to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate
surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that
she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her
work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her
work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall,
and asked the doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?''

The doctor paused................then replied................







''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''


LilSmoker