Funny story of the day

[coyote]

Something just aint Wright there.  :D :D :D

You got that right pal ! ;D ;D ;)

[coyote]

Hey Manxman......You will make Friday's broadcast ! Thanks for the stuff :D 8)


Coyote

[manxman]

Hey Manxman......You will make Friday's broadcast ! Thanks for the stuff

Will try and keep them coming coyote. ;) :D

[bigredsmoker]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?""Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."  "Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every
night,I take these here fish down to the lake  and let 'em swim 'round for
awhile.
Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and
I take 'em home." That's a  bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that." The
redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr.
Government Man.  I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got
to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" "The FISH", replied the warden! "What fish?", replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[HCT]

 :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

OK, one more, this was just too good not to post on a Friday:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.



A lady stood and walked to the podium.  She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'



You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.



She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'



Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'



All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is "sternum".

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D

[coyote]

Holy SMOKE....I love this place !  ;D ;D ;D


Coyote

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

Lessons in Management:

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
    friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
    your mouth shut!

[Wildcat]

Those were good.  Funny but true.   ;D ;D ;D

[3rensho]

A lot of wisdom there  ;D ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun).

[HCT]

How true :D :D

[coyote]

Two New Yorkers were very busy setting up their soon-to-be-open retail shop. They were really tired,
having worked all day setting up shelves. While taking a break one man said to the other " I'll bet any
minute now some tourist will stop and ask us what we're selling.Soon , sure enough a good ole hillbilly
from West Virginia  came by , put his face against the window to peek in and yelled..." Whatcha ya'll sellin'"?.....The New Yorker yelled back in disgust...ASS HOLES....The Hillbilly stood back and yelled ,
Must've been a hell of day..........Looks like ya sold all but two!

New Yorkers should never mess with West Virginia Mountaineers ;D