Funny story of the day

[HCT]

Great one Aces.
Agree with the Jesuits. :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? 

In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and  beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say:

You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. 
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[HCT]

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

A few "quickies";


Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________

Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.

_____________________________________________________________

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

_____________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________


The three words women hate to hear most during s*x:

"Honey, I'm home!"

[Wildcat]

 :D ;D

[Wildcat]

Here is a cute one, although somewhat on the feminist side.  ;D




Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"  "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen!

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

(for the uninitiated, the Scots have a reputetion for being careful with their money!!)

A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one please."

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D Now that is thrifty!!

[HCT]

Just too funny. :D :D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D

[pork eater]

This is one of my favorite jokes, and somehow appropriate to the forum.  I've told this joke for a long time , and just recently heard Jay Leno tell it on the tonight show.

A farmer walks in to town with a three legged pig on a leash.  As he strolls past the general store, the shop keeper is sitting on the front porch of his shop.  He calls out to the farmer.  After exchanging greetings, the shop keeper asks, "What's up with the pig?" 

The farmer says, "Oh, this here pig, he's a good pig.  Did you know that this here pig can herd my sheep?"

Seeing the farmer didn't understand, shop keeper said, "That's amazing, I've never heard of such a thing.  But what's goin on with the pig?" 

The farmer says, "Oh, this pig is great.  One night lightning struck the barn, and the barn caught fire.  This here pig came squealin' into the house and right up into our bedroom, and woke us up, and we were able to get the horse and the mule out of the barn before the roof fell in. Great pig!"

Even more amazed and a little frustrated, the shop keeper asked, "But what is the matter with the pig?"

The farmer replied, "Nothin' wrong with the pig, in fact, this here pig has saved my daughter's life.  She was out playin' and fell down the well.  The pig must have seen her goin' in, cause he just ran round and round the well makin' a fuss till we figured out what was going on.  We pulled Emily out of the well within two hours.

"But what's with his leg?" the shop keeper asked.

Finally understanding, the farmer said, "Oh, a pig this good you just can't eat all at once."