Funny story of the day

[manxman]

A few marriage jokes:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?  Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but  when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look Miss," said the foreman,  "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.  "I've been divorced three times."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.


The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me  the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."


The old man says without hesitation,  "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.


Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.


Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly ,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.



"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said, "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

Just to promote a bit of intercontinental rivalry and teasing!  ;) :D


Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! (True story it sez here)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at windscreens of aircraft  travelling at max velocity, to simulate frequent incidents of bird strike.

American engineers heard about this and were eager to test it on their high speed trains. Arrangements were made to send a gun to America.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the driver's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windscreen and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with the following one line memo:

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"First, defrost the chicken".

[iceman]

What a riot!!!!
Thanks for posting that one Manx.

[Wildcat]

Real good one.   ;D ;D ;D

[Gizmo]

"First, defrost the chicken".

Must have been one of them Alaskan chickens Ice sent them.   ;D

[manxman]

Must have been one of them Alaskan chickens Ice sent them.

:D :D :D

[manxman]

Eight  Words with two Meanings

1.  THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....     The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to  another.
Male....    Playing cricket without a box.

(non Brits may have to think about this one but believe me ... it's true! Male ice hockey, baseball etc players will have similar issues!!)

3.  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's  partner.
Male...        Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the  boys.

4.  COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male......   Trying not to hit on other women while out with this  one.

5.  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......   Anything that can be done while drinking  beer.

6.  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male......   A source of entertainment, self-expression, male  bonding.

7  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. .          Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do  it.

8.  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to  another.
Male...        A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND


He  said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing  to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He  said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She  said .    That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He  said ....   What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ..... Turn sideways and look in the  mirror!

He  said . . .  Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never  there.

He  said . ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She  said ..    They don't have time

He  said . .    How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet  paper?
She said         We don't know; it has never happened.

He  said . .    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Goodlooking?
She said  . . They already  have boyfriends.

She  said...   What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . .   A  widow.

He  said . ..   Why are married women heavier than  single women?
She said . . . Single women come home,  see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come  home, see what's in bed and go to the  fridge.

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

 :D :D :D ;D

Male....    Playing cricket without a box.

I believe we would say "cup" on this side of the pond instead of Box.
correct me if I am wrong.

[bigredsmoker]

Timely joke:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[HCT]

Ha!!!

[Wildcat]

 ;D  Sounds about right.

[Wildcat]

4 WORMS AND A LESSON                

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup .
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
 
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service

[Wildcat]

OK, if you did not like the last one, how about this:

Luxury Redneck High Rise