Funny story of the day

[FLBentRider]

 ;D

[manxman]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the mother and babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."



"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Wildcat]

Good one!  ;D ;D ;D

Here is another:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
> Northwestern University.
> On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
> standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
> so Peter approached it very carefully.
>
>
> He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
> large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
> he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
> the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
> man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
> several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
> being trampled. Eventually the elep hant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
> walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
>
> Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
> teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
> were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
> foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
> times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
> was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
> railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
> elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
> wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass
> against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Mr Walleye]

 :D  :D  ;D  ;D

Ok....  Ya had me on that one Wildcat!  ;D

Mike

[West Coast Kansan]

Not that's funny. Dont care who you are that there is funny.  LOL... :D  :D  :D

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[manxman]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old
canons and laws of the church by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the
wall and wailing, "We missed the R !  We missed the R !  We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

CELEBRATE!!!"

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS. . .





                   I think you will enjoy reading these.

Subject: Sunday School


LOT'S WIFE
    The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife

looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason

interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was

driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a

telephone pole!'



GOOD SAMARITAN
    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of

the Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, 'If you saw a

person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding,

what would you do?'
    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd

throw up.'



DID NOAH FISH?
    A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think

Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny . 'How could he, with just two

worms.'



HIGHER POWER

    A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have

been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible

times.  But, there is a Higher Power.  Can anybody tell me

what it is?'
    One child blurted out, 'Aces!'


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young

class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the

Bible - Psalm 23.   She gave the youngsters a month to

learn the chapter.   Little Rick was excited about the task -

but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.   After much

practice, he could barely get past the first line.     

    On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm

23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and

said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I

need to know."


BEING THANKFUL
    A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your

mother says your prayers for you each night?  That's very

commendable.  What does she say?'
    The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'


TIME TO PRAY
    A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every

night.
    'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
    'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the

pastor asked.
   'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the

daytime.'



SAY A PRAYER
    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner

at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated

around the table as the food was being served.  When

Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right

away. 
    'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his

mother.
    'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
    'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always

say a prayer before eating at our house.'
    'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is

Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

[Wildcat]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agreed.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Washington Redskins tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby said, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold.

[hotrod]

THE CANADIAN WAY 
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says, 'That's a karate chop from Korea.
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
That's a judo chop from Japan', he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.
The Newfie says to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a F......in' hockey stick from Canadian Tire.


cheers
hotrod

[Ontrack]

Brothers Zeke and Cletus from West Virginia, now hunting guides in Colorado, decided to drive back to the hills of the Wild and Wonderul state for Easter. About halfway through the trip, with Cletus driving, Zeke declared " I gotta poop"! Cletus told Zeke that there was no rest area or service station for many miles. "Pull over right now, I gotta GO!", said Zeke. Cletus whipped the car off onto the shoulder of the road. Zeke made a quick inventory and said "we ain't got not toilet paper, napkins, magazines-there ain't even a leaf on the trees-what am I gonna use to wipe with?" Cletus thought for a second and came up with an idea. "I guess you'll have to use your last dollar". Zeke agreed and bolted down over an embankment. A few minutes later, he climbed back up the bank, covered from head to toe in poop. Cletus said" Good Lord, what happened to you? I thought you were going to wipe with that dollar!" And, the reply from Zeke: "He!! with you, you sumb!tch! You ever wiped your a$$ with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"



I am a native West Virginian, by the way...

[hotrod]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so damn cranky around here.'

[Wildcat]

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA



I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."



Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!



"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.



But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

[Wildcat]

This is my piggy bank after filling up my vehicle.