Funny story of the day

[huhwhatliar]

You Know your a true Alaskan fisherman when:

1. Your fridge and freezer has more bait then food.
2. You raid your wife's jewelry box for new "lures".
3. The local hospital E.R. keeps your file on standby during the fly fishing season.
4. The bumper sticker on your truck says "A bad day of fishing still beats a good day at work"
5. Your "tackle box" is a 5 gallon bucket.

[huhwhatliar]

Fish Widow

Bob and two of his buddies have gone fishing every Sunday for nearly 25 years. One Sunday, the guys are fishing from their boat in a lake close to town when a slow moving funeral processional drives by. Well, Bob lays down his fishing pool, quietly stands up in the boat and takes off his lucky hat placing it over his heart. Being rather large in size, the processional takes several minutes to completely pass by. Once out of sight, Bob quietly sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions and after a few minutes of awkward silence one of them finally speaks up and says to Bob, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by". To that Bob replied, "It seems like the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to that woman for over twenty-five years!"

[manxman]

 :D :D :D



Ring - Ring

'Hello ?'

'Hi honey.

This  is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't
moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***






***Longer Pause***






***Even Longer Pause***






Then Daddy says,


'Swimming pool, what swimming pool?

[manxman]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time, .. . . PRICELESS!!!

[bigredsmoker]

That was too good manxman!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

[iceman]

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it,
I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope
that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know
something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native
English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking
the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather
difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the
pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic
gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[bigredsmoker]

 :D :D :D

[Wildcat]

 :D :D :D

[mcanik]

Canadian Temperature Scale:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
+50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Canada start saying, "Eh, Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup 

[Mr Walleye]

 :D  :D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Mike

[Wildcat]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....


The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said,

"You are The woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night  we met in the office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV
controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

[Wildcat]

Spring Fever

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[mcanik]

 :D ;D :D ;D

[Wildcat]

It has finally happened!

[car54]

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?