Funny story of the day

[icerat4]

GOOD AND SIMPLE REASONING!!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped
his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I open
its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...Try doing it with the engine running.

[aces-n-eights]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said 'Implants?'

She hit me.

[icerat4]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bill says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill, after a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bill the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story:
Bull 0 might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who 0s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of 0 is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep 0, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[chrispy]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel in his pants.  The bar tender says, "captain, do you know you have a ships wheel in your pants?"  The pirate replies, "Arrrr, I know. it's drivin' me nuts!"

[car54]

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Wildcat]

 :D Nice one.

[Wildcat]

After being interviewed by the school administration, the
teaching prospect said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of
abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt
messages, and Instill in them a love for learning.   

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war
on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their
sense of self esteem and personal pride. 

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship,
sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to
check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial
behavior, and make sure that they all pass the provincial
exams.


'You want me to provide them with an equal education
regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly
with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and
report card. 

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a
blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and
a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You
want me to do all this and THEN you tell me.................

'I CAN'T PRAY?'

[West Coast Kansan]

 ;D seems ackward huh cat...  :-[  A lot riding on our teachers.  Our futures for one... :-\

[firerescueman]

ok..... true story here...    (you have to know me and my wife....  this is how we talk to each other all the time....  we will celebrate 13 years of marriage this December....  she's just mad she didn't think of something first!  lol)

the scene:
I am reclined in my easy chair and she is sprawled out on the couch,  we're watching TV and someone on a commercial mentions that she's a "trophy wife"....  here is the conversation that followed:


wife:   (leans her head back and looks at me over the arm of the couch and says:)  "Yep!   You've got yourself one of them trophy wives!!! 


to which I promptly replied:
Yep!  Just like all my other trophies......   I was real proud when I first got ya!   First couple of years after I brought you home I kept you shined up and showed you off to all of my friends......   now you just sit in the corner and collect dust.  !!!
;) ;) :D :o


I think she put Ex-Lax in the soup tonight............. ::)




Jeff

[Gizmo]

If the soup tastes like almonds, you better call your buds driving the ambulance.  LOL
Nice one.
A little bread and water for a few weeks won't hurt, especially when you have a secret stash of brisket at work.   ;D

[West Coast Kansan]

ya, ya, ya, I remember back to the 13th year. ;D   You get smarter with time ... same clever comments in your head :-X, good stuff comes outloud :-*. Life is better now  :D  :D  :D

[La Quinta]

Somebody once told me I was a trophy wife...a "bowling trophy"...I kinda liked it...thought it was ironically funny!!  ;D

[Wildcat]

The Church Gossip



Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing.  George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.



Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and then walked home.  And he left it there.  All night.



You gotta love George.

[Wildcat]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,

expertly tailored black suit.



The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the

body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit

he is already wearing.



The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best

in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde

mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please

have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'



The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her

husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit

fits him perfectly.



She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To

her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with

the blank check.



'There's no charge,' she says.



'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite

blue suit!' she says.



'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased

gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left

yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if

she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said

it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'



'So I just switched the heads.'

[Mr Walleye]

Those are good WildCat!  ;D

Mike