Funny story of the day

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a*s and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

Good one.  ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

[pensrock]

Good One....  ;D ;D

I was gasping just reading it!  ;D

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[bigredsmoker]

A GOOD GOLF STORY

A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy! I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your s*x life?"

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one" The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your s*x life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your s*x life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no s*x life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father Patrick O'Malley

[manxman]

 :D :D :D :D

[Tenpoint5]

THE TASER



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop thatsparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/'purse-sized tazer. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. NOTHING!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


But, If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised... AM I WRONG? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best! I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip sh*t', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little 'ole' thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and ~

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!..... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap Yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B****! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!.



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over my drooling. Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being Stupid.

[pensrock]

 ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back.

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ...."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A*SE ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER...GOT IT, A*SEHOLE?"


And they lived happily ever after.

[pensrock]

Hmmmm..... I never got that speech.  ;D ;D ;D

Course I never got married either.   ;) :D

[manxman]

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.  They had been facing
each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions."


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"This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'


 

------AND WHAT WERE YOUTHINKING????------

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.    She saw a beautiful banquet table.    Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.    They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"    "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.


"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.   "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.    And then I won the multi-state lottery.   I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.   And my wife and I  traveled all around the world.   We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.    I fell and hit my head, and here I am.   What a   
bummer!    How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story : Never make a woman angry... there'll be Hell to pay later!