Funny story of the day

[Tiny Tim]

That was sick and disgusting................and I absolutely loved it.

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D

[West Coast Kansan]

Loving Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5  minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a  parking ticket.
 

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man,  how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored  us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for  having worn tires.
 
So Mary called him a 0 head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
 
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[manxman]

 :D :D :D

[bigredsmoker]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.  He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want  to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another  year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"


And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

[La Quinta]

 :D :D :D :D

[Smoking Duck]

I remain, giggling like a schoolgirl.  ;D

[3rensho]

Excellent!!  ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

'Three Chaplains'  A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted  nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly  grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just  like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and tr action with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D

[West Coast Kansan]

Yea, now that is funny  :D  :D  :D

[manxman]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Wildcat]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[westexasmoker]

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while.

When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual 0, darling'.

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual 0. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

:D