Funny story of the day

[Caneyscud]

Ways To Tell You're Grown Up
________________________________________
Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good "

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "What the hell happened?"

Bonus:

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old self. 

[rdevous]

 
PRICELESS



I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all  different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.  When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid...."Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was  just wondering if you might be my kid."
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Salmonsmoker]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall,175-pound blond woman with a blackbelt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second,shakes his head and mutters,

'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Wildcat]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.


The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable.'


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'


Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'


The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'


Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts
to get nervous.


'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of
your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.


But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! !!                               

Don't mess with old people

[beefmann]

lol thats to funny

[Gamecatcher]

[Quarlow]

Ahahahahahaha that was so corny ya just had to laugh.  :D

[mikecorn.1]

lmao. That's a good one.


Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk

[Wildcat]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

[Wildcat]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

[rdevous]

 
Wildcat......That one deserves a rim-shot!!!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Quarlow]

Badoom Bah psssh  ;D

[Wildcat]

 
Wildcat......That one deserves a rim-shot!!!
 
 
Ray
 

Call me dense or perhaps I am getting too old to keep up with the latest expressions, but exactly what did you mean by rim-shot?

[GusRobin]

when a comedian makes a joke, sometimes corny, there is (or used to be) a drum roll (for lack of better term). Jay Leno does it now and then on his monologue.

[FLBentRider]

 
Wildcat......That one deserves a rim-shot!!!
 
 
Ray
 

Call me dense or perhaps I am getting too old to keep up with the latest expressions, but exactly what did you mean by rim-shot?

it sounds like "Bah dum pish"