Funny story of the day

[Consiglieri]

One of my favorites, Red. 

[Mr Walleye]

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!

:D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike

[westexasmoker]

Good one Mike!

C

[bigredsmoker]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS



1.       Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.



2.       Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.   It's rare...  You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!



3.       If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.



4.       As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.



5.       Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?



6.       Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.



7.       If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.



They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.



8.       Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.   
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?



9.       Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.



10.   One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.



Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:



"Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the  intention of arriving  safely in  an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming."WOO HOO what a ride!"



Have a great holiday season

[Mr Walleye]

Ok... You guys just have to check out this video of dog in some fresh powder snow. He's having a blast!

http://www.dogwork.com/dogsnow/

Mike

[bigredsmoker]

That's too funny Walleye. Next time I think we have a lot of snow I will watch this video to put it into perspective.

[Smoking Duck]

Great video, Mike.  I wonder where that was shot?

[Tenpoint5]

And then the fight started..............




        My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

        She asked, 'What's on TV?'

        I said, 'Dust.'

        And then the fight started...

        ======================================================================

        My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

        She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
        seconds.'

        I bought her a scale.

        And then the fight started...

        ====================================================================

        When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

        someplace expensive....

        so, I took her to a gas station...

        And then the fight started....

        ====================================================================

        My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

        and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat

        alone at a nearby table.

        My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

        'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to

        drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
        hasn't been sober since.'

        'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
        celebrating
        that long?'

        And then the fight started...

        ===========================================================

        I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

        and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

        you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

        Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

        He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
        HAPPY!'

        So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

        And then the fight started...

        ========================================================================
        ====
        ===========

        THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

        When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

        that I should get it fixed.

        But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
        truck,
        the car, playing golf "

        Always something more important to me.

        Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
        home
        one day,

        I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
        pair
        of sewing scissors.

        I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I

        was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a

        toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as

        well sweep the driveway.'

        The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



        Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

        one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[3rensho]

Those are great 10.5.  ;D ;D ;D ;D  Love the lawn mower.

[bigredsmoker]

Subject: RE: Christmas Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

_____________________________________

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees¢ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. people I love are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with pleasantly upbeat men. Each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the pleasantly upbeat men¢s table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*ckin Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The F*ckin Holiday Party.


Vegetarian p**cks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f**kin salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm f**kin hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die!


The grumble and/or bemoan fate from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay

[Smokin Soon]

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[FLBentRider]

ROTFLMAO SS!

[Smokin Soon]

Subject: Philosophy of Ambiguity





FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?'

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,  IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?  ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF
'ASSTEROIDS'?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[pensrock]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house
and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it
shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the
mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than  ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,'Is something  wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly  is!'

   (Are you ready? This is a  beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
;D ;D ;D

[Mr Walleye]

Ohhh... that's bad Pens! Very, very bad!  :D
-
-
-
-
-
-
-But I like it!  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike