Funny story of the day

[JimmyDreams]

THAT'S funny!

When I did it, my first reaction was "WTF? Who the F&^% is Pensrock? I thought it was a rapper or something!!
;D

[pensrock]

I'm no rapper, thats for sure.  ;D
Glad you liked it.

[Wildcat]

A business man got on an elevator. 

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a

bright, "T-G-I-F." 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." 

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. 

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,

and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
 
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

[Caneyscud]

Not one to waste too much time, and since I have more time to twiddle, I'm planning on my dream BBQ Joint.  I came up with this as the location and the table setting.  Ya think it will go over with BBQ joint clientele?  Would you eat brisket there or would I have to beg?

[Wildcat]

A  REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE  LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY  JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD  HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE  GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST  AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF  BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND  PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY  THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE  STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY  GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT  WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO'  HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY  CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY  WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO  PAPPY.
          ***************************

(Kinda brings a tear to  yer eye, don't  it?)

[Up In Smoke]

AAAHHH True love.
kinda melts the heart don't it y'all ?

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D

[ananomoly]

New Standard Operating Procedures released today -- please learn

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly Bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips
the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Ka Honu]

A  REDNECK LOVE POEM

Johnny Noble (famous for writing "I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii") also wrote a song called "Manuela Boy" (I think back in the 1930s).  Two of the verses were:

     I want to marry this wahine I know
     Her name is Haunani Ho
     I told my papa and he said no
     Haunani is your sister but your mama don't know

     I told my mama what my papa had said
     She said no hila hila
     You can marry Haunani Ho
     Your papa's not your papa but your papa don't know

I guess you don't gotta live in the south to be a redneck!

[smokeitall]

American Slang - Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Caneyscud]

A guy I was fishing with on Thursday told me this story about his son.  I just about dropped my Helios and filled my waders up from the inside I  laughted so hard.  

He, his wife, and his 6 y.o. son had gone to the the Great Smokey Mountains NP the previous weekend.  They are hikers so they went for a hike, so they could fish the upper portions of his favorite stream up near one of the balds.  His wife was on point, son next and he was trailing.  He saw his son get closer to the wife and they appeared to be talking, so he lengthened stride to find out what they were talking about.  Just as he came into earshot he heard his son say the was worried, because his pee pee had gotten stiff, but then got back to normal.  Knowing his wife, he was real curious what she would say, especially since he knew she was laughing just as hard inside as he was!  She went on to say to the son, that that was ok and normal.  The son then asked why it happened!  By this time he was glad it wasn't him having to answer the question, because he'd probably just laugh out loud.  He was really curious as to what his wife's answer would be!  She went on to say it happened because you love somebody very, very much and where thinking about them.  The son was silent and pensive, so they thought, thankfully, the questions were over, but after a silence of about a minute the son said that he was still very worried.  The wife asked why, and the answer was "Because it happened when I was thinking of barbecue"!  

I've got to do a brisket for the kid!

[OU812]

I thought that happened to every guy when he thought about barbecue  ::)

[Up In Smoke]

A TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



However, Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[jbollier]

I have a dear friend who happens to be a gynecologist and is seems he grew weary of the same thing day after day so he decided he wanted to start a new career. He thought he would make a good mechanic because he was so good with his hands. He applied and was accepted to auto tech school where he really excelled and was ready to take the exit exam. When the test results came back he was shocked to discover he had made a 150% on the exam. Concerned there had been a mistake he approached the instructor and asked him how he could have scored so high. The instructor explained his scores as he had given him 50% for taking the engine apart and 50% for reassembling in perfectly but he had given an additional 50% because in all his years as an instructor he had never seen it done through the muffler.

[Ka Honu]

One of my best friends is a cardiac surgeon who tells essentially the same story but with a punchline about being able to do it with the engine running.