Funny story of the day

[westexasmoker]

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up..'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on top of a lily pad, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful young woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?... I said kiss me and I will give you great sex and be your beautiful bride forever."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog!"

[Tenpoint5]

An Iowa corn farmer walks into a NYC bank and tells the loan officer he is going to Norway on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer tells him that they will need security for the loan, so the farmer hands over the keys to his new Ferrari.  The car is parked in front of the bank. The corn farmer produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. The bank's president enjoys a good laugh over this farmer using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, the farmer returns, repays the $5,000 and interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The farmer replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41, and expect it to be there when I return?"

[manxman]

A rugby player is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds.  The Rugby player just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a big strong rugby player and play for England . 

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?  Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. 

So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' 

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's real ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:

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'Had him circumcised...'

[3rensho]

LMAO Manx   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  Too funny

[Smokin Soon]

A woman from   Austin, who was a  tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country  land, near  Lake Travis, Texas. There  was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted  to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she  neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl.  It attacked  her!  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the  ground. The ensuing fall imbedded several splinters of wood in her  crotch.

In  considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes  away.  She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter, and  how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to  her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the  examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient  patient sat, and waited for three hours before the  doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so  long?' He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from  the US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and  Wildlife, and Keep Texas Beautiful  before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm  sorry, but they turned me down.'

[Smokin Soon]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[Tenpoint5]

The economy is so bad...




1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.



2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.



3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



4. Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM. 


5. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.



6.. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.



7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.



8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.



9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"



10. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.



11. The Mafia is laying off judges.


12. If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them

[sherlock]

A Stimulus Story


It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government under President Obama and the State of California under Governor Arnold are doing business today.
;D

[Caneyscud]

A Stimulus Story


It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government under President Obama and the State of California under Governor Arnold are doing business today.
;D

HUH!!  is that somethink like Mrs. Banks and the pug dog statue and Clarence's suit?  For you young'ns 'Life With Father'.

[Wildcat]

Now that spring weather has arrived, it is time to start those fix-it-up projects that have been ignored all winter.

Below is a list of tools and their functions that you will need to get those handyman projects done with ease.



TOOLS





DRILL PRESS :   

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL :

   Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW :

   A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :

  Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :

  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :

   One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :

  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :

   Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :

  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :

  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :

   A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :

  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :

  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :

   A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :

  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :

  A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :

   Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :

  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DARN-IT TOOL :

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DARN-IT at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Smokin Soon]

Now that's funny, I don't care who ya are!!!....... :D ;D :D

[3rensho]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D  Too funny.  I've experienced many of those tool "uses".  ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Caneyscud]

Wildcat, I have just now picked myself off the floor I was laughing so hard.  I'd like to share this with others - can I!  The only add would be under Table Saw - If your stomach is just not colorful enough or if you just want a blue stomach!

[Wildcat]

I received it from a friend by e-mail.  As far as I know it is probably making the rounds.  Not really mine to give.

[pensrock]

Who is REALLY your idol?



FIND OUT  WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN  YET, DO THE
SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!


1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again  Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
calculator....)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit  number....

6) Add the digits  together


Now  Scroll down
...............



















With that number,  see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list  below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey  
3. Snoopy        
4. Bill  Clinton
5. Bill Gates  
6. Gandhi                
7. Brad Pitt    
8. Babe  Ruth
9. Pensrock
10.JFK

I know, I know....I just have that effect on  people....one day you,
too, can be like  me....  

P.S.  Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!!!!!