Funny story of the day

[Caneyscud]

Recovering (LOL) Bradley Smoker

My name is Scud  --  CaneyScud!  I am an addict to low and slow and here is my story!  First brisket, then ribs, then lox and then sausage – where does it end?  Moinkballs?  Nope, there is always FATTIES!!  At the time no cure was wanted, unless it was No. 1 or No 2, just more toys and more meat.  Even a family sized tea-bag would not work here!

It started out innocently enough. I began to smoke now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one polite smoke led to another, and soon I was more than just a social smoker.

I began to smoke alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Smoking became more and more important to me, and finally I was smoking all the time.

The first smoke led to another, then another, then another, until ---well it was too many, under threat one had to go to the office.  That was a mistake of titanic proportions – more people to feed more smoked goodies to.  The ole thin blue pull had me wrapped around it!

I began to smoke at the office.  I knew that smoking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to invite friends at lunchtime so I could force ribs, butt, brisket, even moinkballs on them.  I would return to my desk dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of BARBECUE!  She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy smoker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Caney, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your smoking has become a real problem. If you don't stop smoking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been smoking..." "I know you've been smoking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You smoke as much as any BBQ redneck, and BBQ rednecks don't make any money, so if you keep on smoking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the Meat Market," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the Meat Market, in the mood for a pulled clod sandwich. Listening to a Country station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The Meat Market was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for the comfort of mesquite, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy smoking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Smoker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a full-fledged, armpit to armpit, sauce stained Bradley Smoker. I have never been to a SA meeting. The poster said that at each meeting they are supposed to watch a non-smoking video; this week it was supposed to be "Jerry Springer" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jackson. Then they share experiences about how they avoided smoking since the last meeting. I whipped out my Blackberry, wiped off the bit of mop sauce of the keyboard and called the number at the bottom of the poster.  A voice answered – not a warm live voice but one of those cold computer voices that said the SA meetings had been canceled due to lack of interest.  Seemed no one wanted to be cured.  

Undaunted, I tried to stop cold turkey, but I kept on looking on forums to find a brine recipe and a finishing IT to use on that old turkey.  Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped smoking, and trying to avoid thoughts about the meaning of barbecue sauce and rubs. I was going crazy I had to do something!   If this kept up, they would put me in the crazy people's hospital.  So I said enough is enough, H E double hockey sticks, why stop smoking – I wasn't hurting anybody.  FREEDOM!!!!!  

Finally now with direction, I could go on with my life.  I learned to control my mesquite smoked, bacon wrapped yearnings (well just a little – but enough).   I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the Computer Screen. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of "The Change" (actually, yes both definitions would apply – the new regime and worse yet, the wife's).   Just me and my BTDS76P (more lovingly named – DBS4)  well not just that smoker but a few others also – one even my wife doesn't know about.  Yes, she does wonder what that wry little smile means that is on my lips just before falling asleep – I'll never tell!


Ye Ode to the Brisket

How oft does want of Brisket doth torture my spirit
Slave of its delicious embrace nothing to do but tend
Like a melancholy malcontent, glistening eyes focused
Hours and times of my desire the plateau doth pass
Nothing but time and precious mesquite can I but offer
Low and slow doth my sweet love's beauty revealed
Sublime, rouse myself; and the weak wanton hunger
Shall from my bowels unloose its masculine restraint
Not at war, stomach at peace, content in fullness.
Oh mighty Brisket, penchant of memory, smoky perfection.

Have you joined Smoker's Anonymous yet?

[jbollier]

Scud, you are a real piece of work!!!!
I bet you drive your wife insane but if she throws you out and my wife throws me out---, hell why not, I'll marry you and our Bradlys will live happily together ever after.

[Mr Walleye]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


 



**'Hello?'**


   




**'Hi my love.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mummy near the phone?'**


 




**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



 




**After a brief pause,**


   




**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



 




**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
**Right now..'**


   




Brief  Pause.




**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


 
 




**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



 




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**





**'I did it, Daddy.'**



 



**'And what happened, honey?' **


 


 


'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


 




**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


   




**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**


   




**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


 


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


 


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


   




*****Long Pause*****


   





*****Longer Pause*****


   





*****Even Longer Pause*****


 
 




**Then Daddy says,**


 
 




**'Swimming pool?  ............**


   




**Is this 486-5731?'*


   




 


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*


Mike

[OU812]

Mike

GOOD ONE  ;D

[pensrock]

That was good!  ;D

[sherlock]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say? 


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. 
________________________________________
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
       Now that's taking things a bit far!
  -----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
       What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------   
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------   
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
  ----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------   
  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
   Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
      Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------   
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  ----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
     He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
  -------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
  Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*************************************************** 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
       Boy, are they tall!
  *******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 
     Did I read that right?

[Mr Walleye]

LMAO Sherlock!

:D  :D  :D  :D  ;D

Mike

[3rensho]

Those are a riot  ;D ;D ;D

[Tiny Tim]

Three older gentlemen were sitting around talking one day.  60 year old says "60's the worst age, I can't pee anymore".  70 year old says, "no, 70's the worst, I can't poop anymore".  80 year old says, "you guys are wrong, 80's the worst."

Other 2 guys ask him why?  Can you pee?  80 year old says, "yep, every morning at 6:00 on the dot".

Other 2 ask, "can you poop?"  80 year old says, "yep, every morning at 6:30".

So, what's the problem ask the younger 2 guys...80 year old says, "I don't wake up until 7:00".

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Smokin Soon]

Redneck Fire Alarm, No Batteries Required.

[Caneyscud]

Would you remarry?

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to
do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . .. . uhhhhh!!!!!!

[FLBentRider]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Up In Smoke]

That is one of those moments when it is proper to say OOOHHHH FFFFFFiretruck

[Wildcat]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says,
'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right..'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the
ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play  the ball towards
his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball  towards his
voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that,  OK, I'm game for that.
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'