Funny story of the day

[HCT]

Cute

[manxman]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. The usual story......"I promise!" and all that!

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down WAY too easy. Around 3 in the morning and a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed )....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = midnight.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her "midnight"!

She didn't seem p*ssed off at all..... hey, got away with that one!

Then she said, "There is somthing wrong with the cuckoo clock, we need a new one."

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh sh*t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and f*rted!!!

[Tiny Tim]

This is a good place for me to join the thread to laugh at a joke.  Good one, Manx.

[West Coast Kansan]

 :D  :D  :D  Laughed out Loud! Great story!  :D  :D  :D

[3rensho]

Very funny story Manx.  My wife cracked up  ;D ;D ;D

[coyote]

Great one Manx..............Sounds like the story of my life in rewind.............Still laughing ! :D ;D 8)




Coyote

[Wildcat]

 ;D  ;D I hope she took a photo of you when she told you all that and post it on here.  :D  ;D

[chuck steak]

hahahahaha awh man? let me know how much the NEW grand farther oops I mean Father clock cost. ROFLMAO

[icerat4]

After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Steve, wake up you drunken bastard, you're 0tin' in the bed!

[Tiny Tim]

LOL

[HCT]

That was great TT. :D :D :D :D

[West Coast Kansan]

Not sure this is funny or true - from an email i recd.  I think it is pretty close.

>> >>(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
>> >>
>> >>(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
>> >>
>> >>(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.
>> >>
>> >>====================================================================
>> >>
>> >>Now think about this: Guns:
>> >>
>> >>(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
>> >>
>> >>(Yes, that's 80 million..)
>> >>
>> >>(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
>> >>1,500.
>> >>
>> >>(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
>> >>
>> >>Statistics courtesy of FBI
>> >>
>> >>So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more
>> dangerous
>> >>than gun owners.
>> >>
>> >>Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
>> >>
>> >>FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
>> >>DOCTOR.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
>> doctors
>> >>before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>> >>
>> >>Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the
>> statistics
>> >>on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
>> >>medical attention.

[icerat4]

man i never thought just how much stuff there is ?


>> How to Make a Woman Happy
>>
>> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
>> 1 A friend
>> 2. A companion
>> 3. A lover
>> 4. A brother
>> 5 . A father
>> 6. A master
>> 7. A chef
>> 8. An electrician
>> 9. A carpenter
>> 10. A plumber
>> 11. A mechanic
>> 12. A decorator
>> 13. A stylist
>> 14. A sexologist
>> 15. A gynecologist
>> 16. A psychologist
>> 17. A pest exterminator
>> 18. A psychiatrist
>> 19. A healer
>> 20. A good listener
>> 21. An organizer
>> 22. A good father
>> 23. Very clean
>> 24. Sympathetic
>> 25. Athletic
>> 26. Warm
>> 27. Attentive
>> 28. Gallant
>> 29. Intelligent
>> 30. Funny
>> 31. Creative
>> 32. Tender
>> 33. Strong
>> 34. Understanding
>> 35. Tolerant
>> 36. Prudent
>> 37. Ambitious
>> 38. Capable
>> 39. Courageous
>> 40. Determined
>> 41. True
>> 42. Dependable
>> 43. Passionate
>> 44. Compassionate
>>
>> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>> 45. Give her compliments regularly
>> 46. Love shopping
>> 47. Be honest
>> 48. Be very rich
>> 49. Not stress her out
>> 50. Not look at other girls
>>
>> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>> 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>> 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>> 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
>>
>> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>> 54. Never to forget:
>> * birthdays
>> * anniversaries
>> * arrangements she makes
>>
>> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>> 1. Show up naked
>> 2. Bring food, beer, and smile.

[manxman]

Exchanges between pilots and control towers, apologies for occasional political incorrectness!!


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

 
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa  (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."   

 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:  " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206!  Clear of active runway."
Ground:  "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:  "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:  "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):  "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[West Coast Kansan]

 :D  :D Good stuff manx  8)