Funny story of the day

[manxman]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ...... a different point of view.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain.., Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoo what a ride".

THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, MAKE THE BEST OF IT, AND ENJOY IT.

[3rensho]

Bono Vox, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being "socially aware." He was playing a
concert in Glasgow when he asked the audience for total quiet. In the
silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.......once every few
seconds. With the audience totally silent, he then said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From
near the front of the crowd, a voice with a broad Scottish accent
pierced the silence: "Well, fookin' stop clappin' then!"

[chuck steak]

too too funny, cracks me up....ROFLMAO

[iceman]

Subject: MEN.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J  This is my all-time favorite!!!! J


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ."HEBREWS"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

[icerat4]

Those are good.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[manxman]

Good ones!  :D :D :D

[West Coast Kansan]

Reminds me  8)

The Haircut (Women's Version)

Ashley:    Beth!  Did you get a haircut????  It's sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth:       Really?  Do you really think so?  I don't like it very much.
Ashley:    I love it!!!  I love the way it frames your face and sets off your figure.
Beth:       I think it makes me look fat.
Ashley:    No, girl ... you aren't fat!  I would *die* to have your waist.  I mean, my butt is so big, I can't fit into my jeans.
Beth:       Oh, your butt is OK.  At least you have great-looking toes.  I hate my toes ... they look gross, especially in my open-toe pumps.
Ashley:    But, your legs are awesome.  You can get away with wearing any type of shoe.  I am thinking of switching to army boots.
Beth:       You would sooooo look gorgeous in dark green, it would match your eyes.
Ashley:    You think so?  I have always thought my eyes would go better with brown.
Beth:        No ... I really think green ... I have always wanted your eyes.


The Haircut (Men's Version)
Allen:     Hey, Bob ... get a haircut?
Bob:       Yep.

[chuck steak]

hahahahahaha--why do I think of TOOL TIME when I read that?

[chuck steak]

well here's mine, I was whinning about the coast of wood pucks durring frathers day weekend. so wifie ordered pucks w/o me knowing...low and behold the same day ( monday after F's day) I ordered 3 x 120 pucks as did she so now I got enough pucks to smoke a pig farm. jeeze louise. WHAT A GURL I love I do

[HCT]

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move
the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the
miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid
of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

When you click on this link move your mouse around inside the circle and
click.

http://www.1-click.jp

[3rensho]

That is great!!  I always wondered why my screen sometimes smells like the inside of a locker room when I've been active with the mouse.  ;D ;D ;D Thanks for the post.

Tom

[West Coast Kansan]

 Hollywood Squares
>>   If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
>> may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
>> from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
>> spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the
>> host asking the questions, of course.
>>
>> Q. Do female frogs croak?
>> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>> 
>> Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
>> high should you be?
>> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>>
>> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
>> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>>
>> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
>> or a woman?
>> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>> !
>> Q According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>> you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
>> if he's married?
>> A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
>> 
>> Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
>> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>>
>> Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
>> You"?
>> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>>
>> Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
>> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
>> apartment.
>>
>> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
>> hands while talking?
>> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
>> I'll give you a gesture you' l  never forget.

[coyote]

Great stuff guys! :D 8)

[iceman]

Love it WCK! :D

[projump]

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."