Funny story of the day

FLBentRider · January 16, 2011, 02:15:21 PM

Subject: 10 PUNS

* 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only only one carrion allowed per passenger."
* 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam! ... "
* 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
* 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
* 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
* 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
* 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
* 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

GusRobin · January 16, 2011, 02:31:59 PM

I need another drink ::) ( i did enjoy them- they were so bad they were funny)

classicrockgriller · January 16, 2011, 02:54:16 PM

That was corny but funny FLBR.

Here's one that fits in that list:

Two jumper cables walk into a Bar.

The Bartender looks at them and says .....

"OK you two. Don't be startin' nothing here!"

TestRocket · January 16, 2011, 02:54:35 PM

I got a buddy that's a twin; I'm going to send um to him! ;)

GusRobin · January 17, 2011, 06:45:39 AM

Don't know if this is a repeat or not but I thought it was funny:

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.

He finally saw a bunch of diggers and excavating crew eating their lunch. He had arrived an hour late and apparently the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he never played before for this homeless man. And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,he wept, they all wept together.

When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

rdevous · January 18, 2011, 11:39:11 AM

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota .

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Ray

jiggerjams · January 18, 2011, 12:06:28 PM

;D ;D ;D

Quarlow · January 18, 2011, 12:16:20 PM

If he bought her a fur coat she would never have to come in. .....Ohh I think I am going to get flak for that one.Woof. ;D ;D ;D

manxman · January 19, 2011, 03:00:23 AM

One that brings tears to the eyes of men:

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One bag was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the path.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady, I had better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden".

"It used to really p*ss me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers".

"Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., chum! Give me £20, or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

3rensho · January 19, 2011, 04:16:22 AM

OUCH!!! ;D ;D ;D

jiggerjams · January 19, 2011, 06:09:33 AM

Two redneck hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

schneep · January 19, 2011, 08:24:07 AM

Dear God
For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account
and a slim body.
PLEASE, do not mix up like you did last year.
Amen

Caneyscud · January 19, 2011, 08:29:08 AM

Ooohh, oooohh. - that reminds me of a turnaround Aggie joke.

One day this teasip (longhorn for ya'll not from Texas) goes out walking to enjoy the fresh spring air. He walks the shore of Lady Bird Lake, when he spies this sign that was crudely lettered with the word "weed" and an arrow pointing toward the east. Curious and hopeful, he decides "what the hell", didn't have anything else to do and who knows what might turn up so he decides to follow the sign and heads out into the country. Wasn't a half mile out when he heard this noise coming from the other side of this patch of mesquite. Fearing it may be a rattlesnake or two, he picks up a stick and sneaks around to the other side of the mesquite. When he reaches the other side there was a sight that startled and puzzled him both.

There were three Aggies standing next to this large and deep looking hole. He knew they were Aggies, he disgustedly noticed that they had on dirty smelly cow pie covered boots, denim overalls, maroon t-shirt with big ATM on the front and maroon and white caps. Just how he expected Aggies to look like. He stood there for a moment before he approached. He noticed that all the Aggies were standing next to and looking down into the hole. And that every once in a while, one of the Aggies would spit some tobacco juice out and then say "26". Nothing else, just "26". A few minutes later another one would chime in and say "26".

The teasip, feeling pretty smug and superior was thinking - "they are as stupid as everybody says! - What idiot would stand around a hole saying "26" - and I'm looking at not one but three of them idiots!" This ought to be fun.

He sashays over the the Aggies and stands there for a minute where he knows they can see him and wait for one of them Aggies to look up and acknowledge his presence. None of the Aggies look up, and pretty soon one pipes up with another "26". Miffed at being ignored by some idiots, he gets closer - maybe they did not notice him yet. Still no response. By then he is pretty mad and decides to step up to the edge of that hole and see what those idiot Aggies were looking at.

When he peers over the edge all he sees is black emptiness. He leans over to try to see a little better when all of a sudden he feels a hand on his back and he feels himself falling into the blackness.

One of the Aggies, without taking his eyes away from the hole, reaches down into a cooler pulls out three Lone Stars passes them around, then says "27"!

rdevous · January 19, 2011, 09:51:29 AM

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8 - an only child

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Ray

jiggerjams · January 19, 2011, 10:29:35 AM

All good ones guys!! I just got this one and thought I would share.

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what would you say?'