Funny story of the day

[steve-o]

Mexican  words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the  word cheese in a sentence.  Pepito   replies:  Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my  family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3.  *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to  read so I   shoulder.

4.  * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm  at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.  I got mine  piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to  tha store and July to me!  Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars  but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store  with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only  have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken*  *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11.  *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  honey   harassment  nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had  to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but  no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over  there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[justpete]

A letter to the men's helpline.

Hi, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[jiggerjams]

Just got this one in an email:


A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[rdevous]

 
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
 
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
 
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
 
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
 
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
 
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
 
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
 
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip 0!
 
 
Ray
 
 

[TMB]

An elderly Italian man who lived on  the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for  confession.  When the priest slid open the pane l in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a  beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my  door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis .  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no  need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This  happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. "

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of  the flesh.  However, if  you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more
Question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Smokin Soon]

This is alarming!                                            
Beer contains female hormones!



Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, scientists at Montreal University released the results of their recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period.
                               


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% - of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary!!

[SoCalBuilder]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Quarlow]

 :D :D :D  I could see it coming but it still made me laugh.

[RAF128]

I still haven't stopped laughing

[schneep]

A guy is out with his buddies.  He has a few drinks, gets in the mood, but true to his wife, he goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two asprin and drops them in her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two asprins".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE'!!!!

He says, "Thats what I wanted to hear."!!!!!!!!

[schneep]

                                               TRAVEL WARNING

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold and blizzard conditions.
They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following.
shovel
blankets or sleeping bad
extra clothing, including hat and gloves
24 hours of food
de-icer
rock salt
flashlight with extra batteries
road flares or reflective triangles
full spare gas can
first aid kit
booster cables




I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!!!!!

[Wildcat]

EXERCISE PROGRAM FOR PERSONS OVER 50 -



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.



Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!

[rdevous]

 
INTERESTING  OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is:  BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:  BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is:  FOOTBALL.
 
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is:  BASEBALL.
 
5 The sport of choice for middle management is:  TENNIS.
 
And....
 
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is:  GOLF.
 
 
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:  The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 
 
Ray
 
 

[iceman]

Boy, if that ain't the truth Ray !!! :D
Good one.

[Up In Smoke]

Absolutely brought everything into focus for me!!
I love it.