Funny story of the day

[rdevous]

 
A fishing boat ran into trouble last week about 100 miles off shore.  Despite the efforts of everyone aboard, the boat was lost.  The people were left floating in their life vests.
 
The sharks were assigned to the case.
   
The two responding sharks were father and son.
As they approached the people, the father told his son to stop a moment for instructions.  He said, "Son, we need to go about
this in a methodical way.  First, we circle the people with just a bit of our fins showing."
   
The son replies, "Uh, huh. And then?"
 
"And then, we circle again but with half of our fins showing."
   
"Okay. Then what?"
   
"Then, we circle a last time, with our fins fully out of the water and displaying our teeth and huge mouths."
   
The son asks, "But Dad, isn't it easier to just go straight in and eat them all up?"
   
"No, son. Trust me on this.  They taste much better with all the poop scared out of them."
 
 
Ray
 
 
(They like them even better if they've just eaten two Snicker's Peanut Butter Squares!!)   ::)

[rdevous]

 
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
 
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
 
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
 
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
 
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
 
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
 
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
 
  Ray
 
 

[SiFumar]

I resemble that!  Ha Ha!

[rdevous]

 
Down in Lafourche Parish, Louisiana, Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.

He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.

He finds the man and asks, "What it is I supposed to do?"

The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.

Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says, "Okay. dey all cleaned. You want me to cook some rice?   :o ::) :o ::)
 
 
Ray
 
 

[Wildcat]

Great one Ray!  Check out this link: http://dauckster.posterous.com/lutheran-airlines-fg-audio-only

[Caneyscud]

Male vs. Female at the ATM Machine...



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[OU812]

 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

Good one Caney,,,,,,,,,,,,I live with someone who does allot of them Female Procedures.  ::)

[rdevous]

 
Good one Wildcat...that one was sent to 56 friends and family.  My mother-in-law was Lutheran and would have loved that one!

 
Ray
 
 

[Tenpoint5]

ALL GRANDCHILDREN ARE VERY SMART.


 



I was eating lunch on the 20th of

February with my 10-year-old

Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day

is tomorrow?";

She said "It's President's Day!"


 

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about

Washington or Lincoln .... etc.


 

She replied, "President's Day is when

President Obama steps out of

the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have

one more year of unemployment."


 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts

out your nose.

[Quarlow]

Those are both good ones. I like it.

[ghost9mm]

Yep !!! I too like them alot...

[ghost9mm]

Love those Texans

Recently, the City of Dallas, Texas, passed an ordinance stating that if a driver is pulled over by law enforcement and is not able to provide proof of insurance, the car is towed.

To retrieve the car after being impounded, they must show proof of insurance to have the car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars.

Shortly after the "No Insurance" ordinance was passed, the Dallas impound lots began to fill up and were full after only nine days.  80% of the impounded cars were driven by illegals.

Not only must they provide proof of insurance to have their car released, they also have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot.

Accident rates have gone down 47% and... Dallas' solution gets uninsured drivers off the road WITHOUT making them show proof of nationality.

Wonder how the ACLU or the Justice Department will get around this one.

Just brings tears to my eyes. GO Dallas!

[3rensho]

That is pretty dang clever.

[iceman]

Clever !  ;)

[rdevous]

 
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.                Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
 
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek, and my fiancée, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay."
 
The doctor told him" "Olaf, I'll have to put your wily in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week  but leave it on there as long as you can."
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
 
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena.  He married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.
 
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf... you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
 
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena .... it's still in DA CRATE!"
 
 
Ray